Beautifully Insane

IX. Max

 ~

When you have bipolar it feels like you have no control over your emotions. One day you can be happy and then by the end of that day you can be so depressed that you can barely eat. People have a misunderstanding of the illness, they usually think its mood swings that can change in a second. All though that's kinda true, it doesn't just come and go quickly, something usually triggers it. 

I don't really know what my trigger is, I guess its when I don't take my pills for a few days. That's when it usually happens. I either get really depressed, angry, or really happy and hyper. 

Today it's neither of these, today I just feel nothing. Like the part of the brain that controls emotions doesn't exist anymore. Its not like I'm sad or anything; I feel like an empty corspe. Being at school is not making it better either. Everywhere I go people stare and whisper.

I know what their all thinking, that I'm a murderer, that I had something to do with his death. But why would I kill someone I loved? Why would I-
My thoughts are interrupted when the bell rings.

Great, another class I was daydreaming in. I grab my stuff and speed walk to my next class, creative writing. When I get in and go to my usual seat, I see Isaiah there writing something in a journey. Then I realize this is my chance, to get back at him for messing with me.

I lean towards him and say,
"What are you writing?" He looks startled when I spoke.
"Oh hey Max! I didn't see you there, you kind of scared me." He chuckles and I swear my heart skipped a beat. I ask him again, but this time I take the paper and stand up, ready to run if I need to.

"What's this a poem?" I ask. He gets up.
"Give it back Max." He says urgently. I read a couple lines until I realize he's reaching out to me and I back up some.
"Hmmm this is really good actually." I say amusingly.
"Seriously give it back." He says annoyed.

"Oh you mean this?" I wave it in the air.
"Your gonna have to catch me first." I say then run down an isle of desks. He runs down that same isle and then I'm trapped. Before I can climb over a chair into the next isle he grabs me from behind and takes the paper from me.

I fall into his arms and he holds onto me. His touch is like a thousand angels lifting me into heaven. We stare into each others eyes and that feeling of nothingness vanishes and turns into something I can't fully explain. Then the teacher comes in and he let's go of me, and suddenly Im wanting his touch again.

"Alright class take your seats." Isaiah walks back to his desk and I follow him to mine. When I sit down he smirks at me.
"Isaiah 3, Max 0." He whispers to me. I give him an annoyed look and it makes him smirk even more. His smirk makes me wonder what his real smile looks like.

"I'll get you back when you least expect it." I whisper to him, he just looks at me and smiles. Its more than a smirk but it's still not his real smile. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, I barely know him. He's a jerk I know that, and I know he's the schools bad boy and player.

I can't afford to have a crush on anyone, even if he is the hottest guy I ever seen. I barely noticed him before this year started and now he's going to be around my house all the time. How am I suppose to stay away from him? But when I looked into his eyes I felt...I don't know what I felt.

I felt nothing, I shouldn't feel anything, I don't even know him. Im not ready to have another guy in my life right now and I don't think I ever will be ready. I can't take that risk, I have to be careful to not get him too close. I know guys like him, looking for another girl to toy with. I'm not going to be that girl.