XY and Z

14: I believe in you

     As the days went by the final chorus concert of the year and an Epcot trip for the chorus to sing at the candle light reception was drawing closer. A week after that was the national AP Human Geography Exam. She was excited for the concert, it gave her something else to focus on. It had been two weeks since she'd last spoken to L. Everyone else kind of  forgot or stopped caring about L, but she had hope or was it determination? She thought L got the point that she needs to be careful around Z. she would've liked her to believe me and break it off with him but things don't always go the way you want. The only thing she could do was wait and see if she was going to help this girl pick up her pieces. Waiting and watching them made her angry and it was ever present sizzling through her body.

     The next few days she would be in the same room as L and Z for hours at rehearsal. Then get on stage with him and smile throughout the concert. She would have to spend about 24 hours around L and Z when the entire chorus went to Epcot. She wanted to vomit at the thought. 

     It was horrible when the chorus went to regionals a week ago. It felt like L was shutting her out and she was just trying to help her. L was upset about something and she just wanted to help. Then after the performance her best friend got dumped by a of their friend of theirs. She confronted the friend and told him off for her best friend. She probably laid it on too hard him but he opened a flood gate. It was not like her to caught up in so much drama. it was her best friend though and she cared about L in some way.

     On the way back to school she managed to make her best friend laugh and smile by shaping two Jolly Ranchers into vampire teeth. She also brought up old videos of when they built a candy land on her coffee table out sour gummy squares, sugar daddy's and skittles. The two of them ended up falling asleep together the rest of the way. She woke up far too many times to get any real rest though.

     Despite being shut out she still watched out for L. It was a lot of work for her on top everything she was feeling everyday there was still her eating disorder and abnormal sleep patterns. She was so exhausted with all the drama. She was sick all the time she had a fever at regionals and a nasty cold this week. Usually she never got sick and if she did it was just running noise. Now it was impossible to go a few minutes without coughing, sneezing, wiping her noise or vomiting.

     She was still having panic attacks, they were less frequent but still very much apart of her life. They were a burden to deal with because she didn't know what triggered them or how to prevent them. She was afraid of having another, they were so awful and draining that it was driving her mad. The shaking, the hyperventilating, the paralysis from fear and when her heart was beating faster than a jet plane. The worst part by far is that she couldn't make a sound. She couldn't scream or yell for help because she couldn't stop sucking in air to do it. She couldn't even move her fingers let alone run or signal for help.

     If anything was going right it was with L and Z. She still felt a tad bit jealous of L's relationship, if anything she was sad that she had to end it. It was her kill, it was her fault that L would be unhappy. Because of that she couldn't call L a friend, friends don't this each other.

     After the final chorus concert she saw L introducing Z to her family. For a moment she doubted herself again because he was so good with L's parents. It had been a month and 4 days since L and Z got together. All the good memories swam through her head again and it made her cry. She still couldn't understand why Z couldn't do so much as be a decent friend to her and allow her to know him; yet he asked L to go out with him, he was meeting her parents and being a perfect gentleman.

     She realized that when it came to her Z would always set a unfair price to his attention and affection. She was a toy to him and she never had any reach or power in whatever they had between them. She didn't want him back, she didn't want to live a lie or play anymore games. Everything she was feeling at that moment dropped like a stone in a pond. From then on she would never see L and Z together and rethink. She was doing fine, she was finally starting to stand on her own feet again.