Purgatory (bxb)

Chapter 8

"Now you hide like the ghost, the ghost we both know. I'm the taste on your tongue, the taste you can't spit out."
---

I run as far as I can, hoping I'm going in the right direction to where I live. The cabin is surrounded by so many trees it's ridiculous.

The cabin is quiet, too quiet, too unlike the constant hauntings of the house I live in.

The cabin is quiet and peaceful, which only make the bangs and thumps in my head all the more louder.

I want to go home.

I want to go back to the home I thought I had, the home that was filled with never-ending laughter, where I had a father to look up to and a brother who's still alive.

How do you find a place that never existed?

"Nick!"

I fight the urge to stop, to turn around and play the naive boy, to bring our friendship back to the way it used to be.

Things are different now, and we both have to accept that.

Two large wolves appear in front of me, their bodies blocking my path as I come to a halt, adrenaline rushing through my veins.

I can continue running towards them, let them tear me apart, leave me as broken as I am on the inside. Will I go to heaven, like Chris hoped he would end up above the sky, or will I end up in hell for throwing away my own life? Maybe I'll just cease to exist, cease to think, cease to feel.

It is tempting.

"Nick, come home safely, okay?"

I turn around, grabbing Aiden's arm as I run in the opposite direction, throwing all memory of direction to the wind as I think only of outrunning the wolves. I cannot leave my mother behind. I am nothing like dad, nothing like Chris.

We end up alive, but lost in the middle of the woods. I stand for a few seconds, straining my ears for any sign of the wolves' pursuit. I hear nothing, so I sit down on the ground, resting my head against a tree trunk as I gasp for air.

Aiden stands in front of me, not even flustered from our run.

Sometimes I wonder if Aiden is even human.

We apparently didn't get far enough, though, as the two wolves appear again from behind a cluster of bushes.

I stand up, ready to run again but Aiden stops me. He nods to the wolves and they slowly nod back after a few long seconds, leaving us alone as they retreat.

What the fuck?

I should not question it, should accept it as one of the many ways he has lost his sanity, but I can't.

"You speak to animals now? Have you lost that much of your humanity?"

Aiden shrugs and takes a seat next to me. I ignore the urge to shift away.

"Maybe."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, Aiden looking around as I catch my breath. Somehow, I trust that the wolves are truly gone.

"What happened with Kyle?"

I look away.

"I told you to stay away from me."

You'll only get hurt.

"And I told you I'd never leave you."

But you did, didn't you?

Aiden smiles at me, gentle and soft as if he is talking to a porcelain doll one push away from falling to the ground.

"I came back, didn't I? Just like I promised. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

I wish he would stop looking at me like that, like I am a broken boy who needs saving. I don't need it, nor am I a porcelain doll to be placed on a shelf until they bore of my superficial beauty.

They say I am broken, yet they are not aware of the damage that can be caused by shattered edges.

Aiden sighs, his blue eyes meeting mine as he puts on what he calls his serious face. I've only ever seen him this serious on the day he had to leave.

"He really cares about you, you know."

I snort.

"He's only known me for five days."

Aiden shakes his head.

"You don't feel the pull towards him? You may have known each other for a short while, but I know you care about him as much as he does you."

Aiden being wise is never a good sign, because it shows you how ignorant you've been that Aiden has to be the mature one.

I do feel the pull. I cannot stop thinking about Kyle, cannot stop feeling the tingles and I hate it. I feel warm around him, empty when I don't see him, but I refuse to give in to this feeling, because it feels too similar to love, too similar to inevitable heartbreak.

"It doesn't matter whether or not he cares about me. He's better off forgetting me," I look Aiden in the eyes, hating myself for my next words, but it has to be done, "and so are you."

Hurt flashes in his eyes, and never in a million years have I imagined myself to be the one to cause him pain, but why delay it if it's only going to make things worse?

Aiden shakes his head, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. When he opens them, his eyes are filled with the determination of someone not afraid to love.

It is pathetic, but a part of me is relieved he hasn't given up on our friendship.

"I know you've suffered, Nick. I don't know what happened, but you've suffered a lot and I won't say that I know what it feels like, because I don't," he lets out a sigh, his eyes pleading as he continues, "but what I do know is that Kyle cares about you deeply and you clearly like him too. Why won't you give it a chance?"

Because there's no point in giving it a try when the outcome is clear.

"Because that's just it. I like him, and Kyle will expect it to develop into love," I spit out the last word in disgust, "and it will ultimately end up in hurt on both sides because love doesn't exist, and nobody can accept that. I don't need another person to care about, because he'll leave eventually, just like everyone else."

Aiden frowns. He is trying to figure me out again, knowing full well it is impossible.

"Not everyone you care about has left, Nick. You were coping well with your father's absence, and your mom and Chris are still here, aren't they? You once told me you loved them more than anything else in the world."

I laugh, throwing my head back and clutching at my chest. Tears begin to form in my eyes and I don't know if I am crying from sadness or laughter.

"I also told you I wouldn't want to live in a world without any of them."

Aiden looks at me confused, and I clench my fists.

I do not need the pity, or the condolences, or the sadness of someone so eager to love. I do not know how to tell someone their friend had committed suicide, but there is no use in dragging this any further.

I keep my head tilted upward, staring at the sky. Chris said he'd be watching me from above.

Is he looking down on me, shaking his head at the monster he'd created?

"Chris is dead, Aiden. I couldn't stop him."

I turn my head to face him, and the shock on his face will haunt me for years to come.

"He didn't love us enough to stay."