Purgatory (bxb)

Chapter 10

"What is love, what is love? Oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh. See, I don't know anymore. I used to look up to that love."
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I didn't sleep at all last night.

I couldn't, not when I knew Aiden was breaking down alone in his room. Chris meant as much to him as he did to me. Sure, he was my brother, but he was the first person Aiden would turn to, because Aiden's parents were always too busy with the family business.

"Nick?"

Knuckles rap against the door of the room as Kyle calls out to me, his voice evoking memories of the kiss we shared yesterday and I feel my face heat up.

I feel like a pathetic hormonal teenager.

I compose myself and walk over to the door, preparing myself mentally. I hate that he does this to me, makes me feel strange around him.

He smiles at me when I open the door.

He has a nice smile.

"Aiden told me to come get you for breakfast, something about you not being supposed to sleep past 9am on weekends."

I sigh. Aiden is taking his new role as an older brother a little too seriously.

I don't know how to feel about this, about everything that's happened.

When you're left alone for so long you can't even remember what having company feels like, when you've grown so comfortable in your own loneliness it is suffocating to be with anyone, relationships start to become a foreign concept. I was content with the way my life was, boring, unsurprising, but predictable.

You can only get hurt so much when you see the pain coming.

My life was predictable, and I was okay with that, but now I have an older brother and a friend who may want to be something more. A part of me is tempted to leave, and never talk to them again. Aiden and Kyle, they both loved too easily, trusted too easily, but it didn't matter how deeply they loved me because I don't love , and I do not want to see the disappointment on their faces when they fail at the impossible.

Love doesn't exist, yet they insist on wearing their hearts on their sleeves, loving freely and trusting others to do the same.

It was pathetic, the way they so willingly risk heartbreak, so readily do whatever they can to protect the ones they love.

I do not want to stay here, to be with them long enough to watch them fall.

"Nick?" Kyle prompts and I realise I am staring at him. I look away quickly, making my way towards the kitchen and he follows behind me.

"Nick! Kyle!" Aiden beams at us as he set the dishes on the table. I raise an eyebrow, silently hoping Aiden didn't cook those because I have tried Aiden's cooking, and ended up losing my appetite for a whole day.

Aiden rolls his eyes, clutching at his chest in mock hurt.

"Relax, Nicky. I didn't cook these, Kyle did." He nods to Kyle, who is once again staring at me.

I shake my head, too exhausted to send him another glare. The only time I will smile in the morning is when I am with my mother, and even that is draining.

I cannot claim to know my mom well, because I rarely ever talk to her anymore. I remember her in my childhood, when dad was still at home, and Chris would follow her around the house like her shadow, when she only had to work in the morning and would be home in time to make dinner, to read us bedtime stories.

She would tell us about the first time she'd met dad, how he wouldn't stop courting her, even going out of his way to please her family. She would tell us about the day he got onto his knees and proposed, about her wedding, how she was happy she had made the right choice to love him, and how she was blessed with a loving husband and two wonderful children.

She believed in love, as did Chris, and she loved dad with such a fierce passion I started to look up to the love they shared, wondering if I would have someone who loved me just as much when I grew up.

That was, until I started to realise that love simply doesn't exist.

In my childhood, she was my mother, my pillar of support. Now, she works two jobs, and we engage only in small talk in the little pockets of time we have in the morning, and I wonder if I know her anymore, if I know what she's going through, what she's feeling, if she's proud of me.

I am no longer the child she used to know, nor is she the mother I used to know, whose love I used to respect.

But ultimately, she is my mother, and I am her son, and family sticks together, no matter what.

I sit down beside Aiden and Kyle takes the seat next to me, making me shift in discomfort.

I can't figure out what he's doing to me, and it frustrates me.

He's sniffing the air again.

I try my best to ignore him and take a bite of my food.

Holy hell. His cooking is good.

I eat slowly while Aiden devours his food, savouring the taste of the first home-cooked meal I've had in a long time. Mom does cook breakfast in the morning, but she's never there long enough to spend it with me.

Chris had taken the time to learn cooking from mom when we were young, and he'd taught me most of what he knew, but I can never bring myself to cook, knowing it will only end in nostalgia.

Why remember someone who didn't want to be a part of your life?

Aiden finishes his meal and turns to me with an expectant look.

"How is the breakfast? It's great, isn't it? If I was gay I would marry Kyle just for his cooking."

Kyle scrunches his nose in disgust as he shifts away from Aiden.

"Thank goddess you're not gay." He mutters and I snicker.

Kyle and Aiden pause to stare at me, and I blink at them.

"What?"