Purgatory (bxb)

Chapter 27

"I will make you queen of everything you see. I'll put you on the map, I'll cure you of disease."
---

I'm gay.

Chris was gay.

It's okay to be gay.

So why is it that the very word makes me uncomfortable in my own skin, makes me feel as if the whole world is watching me, waiting for me to screw up in the slightest bit so they can blame it on my sexuality?

I didn't know dad as long as Chris did, but I always wanted him to be proud of me, the same way I always wanted everyone to be proud of me.

Dad is gone, but I cannot shake the disappointment on Leo's face, cannot help the thought that maybe things wouldn't be this bad if I could just be normal.

Normal people are straight. Normal people are open. Normal people don't bleed themselves dry.

Of course, normality is just a concept made up by society to shun the different to set standards on the acceptable, a concept everybody strives for, yet we also strive to be unique, unique in a way that is still acceptable. Unique, but not different.

Is it so hard to stand out, to not walk with the crowd, is it so hard to just be yourself?

Was it hard for Chris, who always strived to be different, was it too hard he decided to end his own suffering?

My thoughts drift once again to Kyle, and I no longer mind the way he stays in my mind, the way his touch lingers on my skin.

He is radiant, confident in ways nobody can ever be, in ways we all strive to be.

He's gay too, isn't he? Yet he is comfortable, at ease, as if the whole world doesn't have their eyes on him. Maybe they don't, maybe it's normal in his pack. Will I find comfort there?

His pack, it felt like home, yet I have long forgotten what home feels like. Am I dreaming, am I just so desperate to belong somewhere? Can I fake my way into belonging, into normality?

My phone vibrates with a text notification from Kyle, and time starts to fly as I lose myself in our conversation.

I startle when front door opens, signalling mom's return. The clock reads 1am, and I lay awake in bed.

Go out, hug her. Tell her you love her.

I don't know how much longer this will last. Will today be the last day I hear her return, will this be the final opportunity for me to convey my feelings?

Tell her you love her.

Do I really, though? I feel for mom, I cannot live without her, yet love is a foreign concept to me, one I refuse to believe in.

Are you happy now, Chris? Look at us. Look at me.

Mom walks up the stairs and I hear her room door close. There goes the opportunity. She'll probably never hear the words I think I want to say.

I text Kyle goodnight.

As I drift off to the distant world of nightmares, I hope, as I do each night, that it wasn't my final chance.
---

"Good morning, sweetie. How did you sleep?"

The morning chases away my nightly fears as the light disperses shadows. I know they will return tonight, but I choose not to dwell on them.

I nod to her question and watch her brows furrow in confusion, because she obviously didn't ask a yes or no question, and I do realise that, but I am too tired for words.

I'm always tired, nowadays.

It's the kind of exhaustion no amount of sleep can relieve, the kind of exhaustion that just makes you want to give up and stop caring.

I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of Chris, of life, of feeling.

Mom is tired too, I can tell. She mimics my nod as a response and goes back to her breakfast. Mom never liked to work, said her favourite part of the day was spending it with family. She wanted nothing more than to quit her job and stay at home, and dad promised her she would be able to, as soon as he got his promotion.

Then she realised, as we all do, that we don't always get what we want.

She works two jobs now, from 7 in the morning to midnight, and I can tell she is tired with the way her shoulders sag, the way she rarely speaks to anyone but me, and if it weren't part of her job requirements, I'm sure she wouldn't even bother with her makeup.

"What about that boy, Kyle? Will you bring him over so I can see him?"

I shrug.

Chris was right about one thing, that family keeps us going. We are tired, but mom works for the two of us, as I live to give her a better future.

That is, assuming we both live to see that day.
---

"Nicky!" The shout echoes through the halls and heads turn to look as a body collides with mine, sending us both sprawling to the floor.

A soft exasperated sigh follows the sound of footsteps as Kyle walks up to us and helps me up, leaving a pouting Aiden on the floor by himself for Sylvia to attend to.

"Why is the floor so hard? Who made it this hard? It hurts!"

I still wonder how the pack has faith in their beta.

I raise an eyebrow at Kyle, and he immediately stops his subtle sniffing of my neck. Not so subtle, of course, with his face so close to mine.

"You and Sylvia are friends now?" I ask and he shrugs.

"We just gave her the talk because she saw Henry shift in the woods."

I look to Sylvia, who smiles gently at Aiden as she helps him up, one hand covering her mouth to hide her amusement.

She's not treating them any different.

"Does she know, about being Aiden's mate?"

Kyle nods, and cheers erupt in the halls as Aiden captures Sylvia's lips with his.

"She took it well, but then again rarely anybody can resist Aiden's puppy eyes," he smiles at me. I nod.

She's happy, and Aiden's happy, and that's good. They will keep each other happy.

It's a weird feeling, to see your best friend fall in love and be happy with someone else. Sometimes it feels like Chris' death has pinned me on the spot, to stay in one place and watch while everyone else moves on with their lives. Chris was my father figure, my older brother, my pillar through life and now I sit and stare at the debris, and wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to live without him. I've become an observer, a side character in my own story because Chris left and took my dreams and aspirations with him.

Warmth envelops me as Kyle wraps his arms around me.

"I love you, Nick."

I wonder if I can remember what happiness feels like, if I search deep enough. For now, I'm reintroduced to contentment as I let myself sink into his embrace.

'We accept the love we think we deserve.'

Sylvia deserves happiness. Aiden deserves happiness. Chris didn't think he deserved happiness, but he did. He deserved the world but the world doesn't always work the way we want it to. Funny that we strive to find love in a world that doesn't care for us.

I barely know Sylvia. I should hate her, for being a walking reminder of the gap in my family. I should hate her because she's the product of my father's betrayal but I can't. I can't find the energy to hate her. I can't find the energy to feel anything for her.

So why do I feel the need to protect her, to make sure she doesn't turn out the way I did?