Purgatory (bxb)

Chapter 23

"Life is chances that are taken, but nothing's ever broken. They're just pieces on the ground, new hands need to build them."
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Chris always believed in taking chances.

"It is always worth it," he would say, "because even if you fail, it's a lesson learnt."

Is it still worth taking chances, then, if we refuse to learn the same lesson time and time again?

"Give yourself a chance to love again."

I can do it, I can.

But do I want to, do I deserve it?

Can I trust him, can I trust myself?

We are raised as people of society, taught to grasp our opportunities and never let them go, to latch onto possibilities like hungry wolves and excel above our competitors.

Humanity is an opportunistic species filled to the brim with selfishness, every inch of their body and soul displaying a wide array of flaws, yet we strive to be selfless, to be perfect in a world that will always be imperfect, a world filled with cracks and holes.

Humanity is the epitome of irony, the very representation of hypocrisy.

I want to reach out for Kyle, to grasp this opportunity and never let him go, but my arms are heavy, unmoving.

"If," I start, pulling away from the embrace to look him in the eye, "if I reject you, will you be able to love someone else?"

Kyle blinks at me, as if trying to process my words. He shakes his head after a few seconds.

"If you r-reject me," the word is stuck in his throat, coming out in waves of hesitation, "there will be an arranged mating between myself and an unmated wolf, so the pack has a Luna. I guess I could come to care for him or her, but it won't be the same."

I only nod, because what can I say?

It is pathetic when you can't choose who you want to love, when you are raised to wait your whole life to meet the one you are destined for, but to not even be able to love your mate after finally meeting them and instead having to go through an arranged marriage for the sake of the pack, it is pitiful.

Is it better to love someone who may never be able to love you back, or to be bound to someone with which mutual love will never exist?

He is no longer staring at me, but at the ground. He looks resigned, broken, and I feel the pieces of my heart shatter.

Have I already hurt him, in the process of trying to prevent it?

"The responsibilities of a Luna," I say and he looks at me in confusion, "what are they?"

"A Luna is the pack's support. He or she will rule alongside the Alpha, and will share his responsibilities."

He replies, and he now stares at me with the same unreadable expression as his father, and it is unnerving. I shift uncomfortably and fight the urge to look away. Our faces are so close, just a bit more and our lips-

"Lunas bear children, too!"

I jump away, snapping my head towards the doorway.

Aiden is standing at the door with a huge grin, and I glare at him before it sinks in.

I gape at him.

Bear children? Never.

"Aiden. Get out." Kyle growls and I cannot help the shivers that run across my skin.

Aiden pouts and slowly leaves, giving us a small wave and I cannot help but laugh at the annoyance on Kyle's face. His brows are furrowed, his eyes narrowed as he glares at the shut door.

He turns to me, surprise etched on his face.

"Did you just laugh?"

I stare back, not knowing how to respond. The laughter sounded and felt so foreign, I don't know if I did it correctly, if it sounded normal.

Kyle smiles at me and ruffles my hair, and it is my turn to narrow my eyes at him in annoyance, his turn to laugh.

"You should laugh more often. You're even more beautiful when you're happy."

I want to tell him that I am not beautiful, that I cannot decide how frequently I may laugh, or smile, but he pulls me back into his chest and my thoughts are clouded by the distracting tingles. I cannot even frown when he leans into me and takes a deep breath.

I will never get used to his sniffing habits.

"So, bearing children?" I manage to ask and he chokes on his saliva.

"Only for female Lunas, although some male wolves have the ability to get pregnant."

Male wolves, meaning non-humans.

I feel him nod, and he continues, "you- male humans cannot get pregnant. Not yet, at least."

"And do you want children?"

Silence returns as he contemplates the question, and I realise it is silent.

No bangs, no thumps, no echoes of the past. I realise it is always silent when I'm with Kyle, as if the sparks light up my body, vanquishing the nightmares in my head.

"No. I don't think I want children right now."

Right now.

Will he change his mind?

He holds me close, his chest vibrates as he chuckles.

"There's always adoption, if I ever change my mind."

"And if the Alpha doesn't have children to take over his position, what then?"

"Then the nephews of the Alpha are dubbed heir. I have no siblings, so the title will go to my uncle's grandson."

I frown.

"Your Goddess is female, yet only males are allowed to be Alpha?" I ask, but Kyle just shrugs.

"Many believe the males are more territorial, more possessive, and thus should assume control, while females are valued in packs because they bring life and support."

I cannot help but pity them. Werewolves have their whole life planned for them perfectly, their fate decided, but they lack the free will to explore their boundaries.

Then again, they cannot be more pitiful than humanity itself.

We fall into silence again, and it is the kind of silence I never want to break.

"I'll try," I stare at the wall as I speak, not wanting to look at him but I feel him stiffen, "I'll give this a try, but I cannot guarantee that I will be able to return your affections, or live up to your expectations."

There is a sort of relief when you finally take the risk, a relief mixed with nervousness and doubt and maybe a little bit of hope, but relief nonetheless.

I don't know if I made the right decision, but I have to try. If not for myself, I have to try for Kyle.

Maybe it will work out, maybe the sparks will ignite a fire in my heart that has been left unlit for too long, maybe we can be the light in a world so dark.

The possibilities are endless, but I fear we will only burn ourselves out.