Mommy ✓

if i could fly: (iii)

P A R T III
CENTURION, 2020
*

Doctor Lombard had dyed her hair brown. It was a great transformation from the platinum blonde Paiten had grown accustomed to. Paiten liked to play a game for the bi-monthly visits she made to that office: she would note all of the changes of the room mentally. On her first week, she realised that the office was situated a mere four blocks away from Ouma Hester's in Irene. Last week, the yellow vase filled with fake flowers had a crack in it. The week before, there was a coffee stain on the monochrome coloured carpet and the week before that, a 2018 Encycopedia volume was added to her bookshelf that was adjacent to the couch she occupied.

Paiten wasn't particularly fond of Dr Lombard because the woman unnerved her but her father seemed to think that she was a perfect fit for a therapist. With all that had been going on lately, she couldn't afford to be at odds end with her parents for the sake of her own sanity.

By that Thursday, the 16th of April 2020 - Paiten was on her six session with the psychologist. She drove to Centurion straight from campus after her last lecture for the day at 13:00 every week.

Their first session had been with both of her parents because her father was hellbent on resolving The Elephant In The Room. They sat down with that strange white woman and her despicable notepad, fountain pen and understanding smile for the next fifty minutes. Her father had done most of the speaking and her mother was a close second. Paiten had sat between her parents, stiff and silent - and spoke only when she was asked a question. All of this happened while Manda baby sat Gabriel and Anna was off visiting Noah and Katherine.

Dr Lombard insisted that she wanted more sessions with Paiten because she believed it would help all of them as family. Her mother already had a therapist of her own - a black man named Dr Mhlanga; his practice was in Faerie Glen. Her father had had a few sessions with him too for his pre-marital counselling. It was suffice to believe that her parents believed in the power of therapy. Paiten hated that they were pushing this on her now but she'd learned to tolerate it. Over time, she begrudgingly began to trust the psychologist and she'd told her all she could about her life over a combined two-hundred-fifty minute time span. And now, in their three-hundreth minute, Dr Lombard said something that seemed to knock Paiten off of her axis.

"Paiten, I think you need to consider that all of the problems you're having have one root problem, and that is you haven't forgiven any of your loved ones for what happened in 2016 and earlier events."

Paiten's eyes had widened in disbelief.

"Why do you say that?"

"Your mother abandoned you before your first birthday without a trace. She never tried to reach out to you while you were growing up until you were seventeen years old. She missed out on so much and you're still so angry..."

"No you're wrong. I forgave her the moment I saw her and she made me understand. She didn't do it on purpose; she had a hard childhood and her parents were so shitty to her and nobody loved her until she met my dad. She has PTSD from the rape, she had postpartum depression, she was suicidal and an alcoholic. That's a lot to deal with, how could I be mad at her for that?"

"Paiten, you can acknowledge that someone's actions were not from a place a malice, while also accepting that it hurt you the same. But it's not just her you're mad at. You're mad at your father - because he sat idly while his family ripped you to pieces."