killer»phan

#09

dan.

i am scared of the dark.

i always hated that about myself, my friends (when i had some) would go and run into the woods behind their house in the middle of the night. and i would hang back, listening to them laugh and call me a wussy.

it would be pitch black in my house when i would wake up thirsty, readying myself to make the small journey to the kitchen. running as i tried to find the light switch, eyes wide and terrified.

maybe i'm afraid of what darkness contains, what could be lurking in the shadows.

i'm also afraid of the darkness inside me, inside of all of us.

i know exactly what my darkness contains, thoughts of death and pain. thoughts of suicide and self-loathing.

we all have a darkness in us. some people's are filled with sadness, some with anger, some with thoughts of killing other innocent human beings.

and that's what scares me the most.

phil was walking way too fast for me to keep up, i was running beside him trying to figure out what was going on within his beautiful head.

a strange smile formed on his soft lips when he saw tana walk by. i tried to hide my disappointment, mentally telling myself i was an idiot for even thinking i had a chance with him.

he is perfect, i'm just some dumb angsty teen with low self esteem and a voice in my head nagging me to cut a little deeper.

i asked him what was going on, all he did was mumble something about going to the locker room and walk a little faster.

"i'll go with." i offered, adding speed to my steps, excited to go somewhere, anywhere, with phil.

"um..o-okay." i watched as phil unraveled, his usual personality, cool and collected, became something completely different. he began stumbling through his sentences like a kid learning to walk, tripping and falling through vowels. it was strange.

as we walked i watched him nervously scratch at his arm, which was becoming red and irritated.

we arrived at our destination and he slowed down to a halt.

"okay, wait here."

i knew i should've, i should've listened and waited for him to get what he forgot and leave it at that.

but as soon as i saw that raven colored head disappear inside, i followed silently behind.

then i saw it.

i saw my once loving and innocent phil lester atop of a struggling derek.

i saw a knife in phil's hand, which was inching closer and closer to derek's tanned neck.

i saw derek beg and cry.

i saw phil laugh.

i saw the blood, inching down derek's neck and staining his perfectly ironed white shirt.

"stop!" i screamed out, running at phil. "what are you doing?!"

then i saw phil turn around, looking like a little kid who got caught stealing from the cookie jar.

"dan? what the fuck!" he dropped the knife and ran over to me.

"get away! don't you dare come near me." i snarled, surprised at the sound of my voice.

"you don't understand, i was doing this for you. derek always hurts yo-"

"for me? did i fucking ask you to murder someone for me? did i come to you and say 'oh by the fucking way, you know derek? yeah i would love it if you fucking slit his throat.' no, i didn't! don't you dare say that." i screamed at him, and watched as his face contorted into several different emotions.

"i didn't...i never..let me explain." he stuttered, looking frail and paler than usual.

"don't come near me. ever. and to think i loved you!" i stormed out, crying and muttering to myself as i walked out of the school grounds.

i don't know where i ended up. i just kept walking, thinking.

then i was lost, lost in my mind, and lost in general.

and there was no one else to call besides phil.

oh sHit