killer»phan

#10

phil.

i've never been ashamed of what i am.

i thought that everyone had the same urges i have, that everyone else was just better at hiding them. controlling them.

i still do, people always fantasize about having power. and the most power you'll ever have is when you're about to kill someone or yourself.

the matter of life or death is in your control, you decide. you're playing god.

you're powerful.

and that's the only thing i ever wanted; power. control.

and when i couldn't control what when on in my life, when i couldn't stop dad from hitting me about the head, couldn't stop him from calling me a worthless, no good piece of shit, when i couldn't change anything going on between me and my family, i went to the backyard to find an animal to kill.

usually rats or rabbits, anything that crawled around in our garden.

and when i was done with them, i felt the control i needed. i felt better.

killing is my release.

i stood in the locker room, blood covering my hands and a body under my feet. everything was wrong.

i didn't have control, i had the opposite.

everything was falling apart, and i couldn't stop it. the power was slipping out of my hands and into dan's.

he had the power now, it was up to him whether or not i am caught. it's all up to him, what's going to happen to me?

the uncertainty is building up inside me as i begin to clean up my mess.

the possibility of someone coming in and finding me like this is very real, and that's one more thing that's out of my control.

i'm going mad. oh but you already are.

i need to get to dan, i need to talk to him. i need him.

the next few moments are a blur. i was trapped in a trance while i cleaned and took care of derek.

i don't even remember where i hid him, it felt as if my body was under someone else's control, and i was just there. watching.

i ran out of the place that ruined everything.

i'm never going to get to kill dan now.

i curse myself for making that my number one loss, killing him means nothing now.

i don't need to kill him, i need to find him.

i searched until the sky turned from clear blue to black. stars littered the sky as i drove around the whole town.

i stopped at a gas station, filled up my tank and was ready to take off when i saw that familiar brown hair and black sweatshirt.

dan looked frail and sick, sitting on the bench next to the entrance.

he was scared.

i didn't know what to do. he wasn't going to let me talk to him, he would most likely scream. letting everyone around us know i was a killer.

a killer.

that's all i am.

that's all i'll ever be to him.

these thoughts and more rattled inside my brain as i felt my self stepping out of the car and towards dan.

i was watching my body be controlled by something else again.

i watched as he looked up, and saw my raven colored hair and red jacket.

i watched as fear entered his hazel eyes, consuming them and making them somehow even more beautiful then they normally are.

"get away." he managed to get out, his voice small and scratchy.

"dan, please. listen." i feel the words forming in my mouth but i don't know where they are coming from. i didn't have control.

i don't have control.

"please, leave me alone." he started to cry, and i wanted nothing more in that moment than to kiss him.

he's gorgeous when he's terrified.

"i won't hurt you. just trust me." i hold out my hand, watching nervously as he debates whether or not to take it.

"i can't trust you phil."

with those five words, i suddenly know what sadness feels like.

and i hate it.

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ok but thank u guys so much for 1k reads im screaming