Oh I'm sorry, sorry for chewing my gum to loud, or my turning up my music to loud, or moving to much, or snapping my fingers, or mumbling to myself but no I'm not actually sorry
Sorry has become a word I use to describe feeling usless and unable to handle a situation
So really what I mean to say is, I'm having a panic attack I'm usless right now and unable to function right now, please come back later.
But I can't just do that because I'm an adult and I have to just say sorry and stop what I'm doing
But I'm not an adult. I'm a sixteen year old kid who handles more then most adults do and who's mental health is worse then most mental hospital patiences.
But it's fine, but no its not really fine at all. I'm used to it by now, and I am,so it doesn't hurt, oh but it dose hurt I just say it doesn't.
I feel trapped and I don't know where I'm going or what to do so I try to push myself because it helps, but it doesn't help at all it just makes it worse.
So I talk to people. I talk to my big brother, you know the stoner who's like a father figure to me because my real dad is a drunk and can't handle me, yeah so I talk to him and he reminds me that anxiety is a usless emotion but he makes jokes and makes me laugh and takes care of my autistic little brother , you know the one who is basically my son because my drunk father is never around to help wach him because of 'work' and mom can't do it all by herself, while I get myself together.
I talk to my s/o who is probably the only person in the world I want to touch me when I'm like this, you know, I shaking, rocking, mumbling, snapping mess, you know. Yeah I talk to them and they detract me from the hell coffin in my mind.
I pet my dogs who drool and lick me and it bothers me, actually it reminds me I'm real and I don't mind that at all but I pretend it bothers me and I push them off but they come back because they know it doesn't really bother me at all.
I pet my cats who sit in my lap and purr and meow, which is annoying, but it's not annoying I just say that because it's a lot more mentally healthy to say then saying I like to think it's them telling me they love me and care about me.
So I'm sorry that my pulling my ring on and off bothers you, actually no I'm more sorry I have a bruse there now. Sorry I'm being an asshole right not, but at the same times I'm sorry I don't actually care because I'm scared and I need help but I'm to anxious to ask for it.
So please, for the love of God, help me.
