Yes, I Am

Chapter Seven.

New Year's Eve, 2015

1 pm. Curled up on the floor in a fetal position, staring at the wall like it's about to explode any second.

2 pm. Trembling uncontrollably. Hot and cold flashes. Wondering if the last few months had been a dream or a hallucination.

2:40 pm. Not wanting the dream/hallucination to end.

3:10 pm. Certain that I made it end.

4 pm. Bawling like a baby.

5:28 pm. Reevaluating life. That boy in American history class back in freshman year that I hated. I had a crush on him. That cute boy on the school bus I thought was too clingy. I was projecting my crush on him. All the times I'd been calm when I was called an asshole but lashed out when called a faggot. I was in denial.

7 pm. Crying again.

8:05 pm. Austin giving me a pep talk.

11 pm. Caleb.

"What the hell happened to you?" Austin asked, moving quickly to my side and pulling me up so I could lean against the foot of the bed.

When I didn't answer, he got busy in making me gulp water and wipe the tears and snot off my face. Once he was done, he sat down cross legged in front of me and repeated his question, "What happened?"

I tentatively looked up at him. "I kissed Caleb," I said, almost a whisper.

"Was it that bad?" he asked, confused.

"No. It was amazing," I said, taken aback at his reaction. I was practically telling him I was gay and the most reaction he could give me was this. "I kissed Caleb," I repeated more emphatically.

"Okay," he said slowly. "I'm gonna need a little more to go on."

"I'm gay, you jackass. Did you get hit on the head or are you just not listening to me?" I screamed through gritted teeth.

"I know you're gay. That doesn't explain why you're weeping like someone tore your books," he said. It was an accurate comparison though. The only thing that could make me cry harder was if something happened to my precious books.

"You know I'm-" I huffed out an exasperated breath. "I'm not kidding. This isn't a namecalling fiesta. I'm actually gay. Gay as in homosexual gay, not as in you're-so-gay gay."

"Matt." He held my arm in a tight grip so I would stop ranting and look at him. "I know," he said sincerely. "Who the hell do you think set you up with Caleb in the first place?"

Now my tears were completely gone. Fear and confusion had given way to bewilderment. "You set me up?"

"Yes." He sighed. "I've known you since a long time. You're my best friend, Matt. Did you think I wouldn't notice you're not into girls?"

"I'm not into humans. How did you get there?"

"There was a time when you had more friends than three and you drove them away because puberty hit and even though you didn't recognize it, it was a product of your sexual confusion. You didn't feel like you fit in anywhere and you thought it was because you're a nerd. You're pretty cool, Matt, and not just for a nerd. You could have fit in. You didn't let yourself."

It was a dramatic epiphanous moment when I realized he was right. I had always been the kid at home that no one really wanted around. Losing myself in a large circle of friends was easier because it made me feel wanted. But I was so confused. I was frustrated with myself. I didn't know why I liked and hated certain people. I guess some part of me always struggled with the fact that I like guys. Shutting that part down had meant shutting my social life down too. My defense mechanisms never let me be aware of that though.