Yes, I Am

Chapter Fourteen.

March, 2016.

"You can't not be done by now. You freak out over coffee stains on the countertop," said Austin. He was sitting crosslegged in the middle of my bed, among clothes and other stuff that was yet to be packed. But it wasn't like he was going to pick up his royal ass and help me. Oh no, that would be too much for His Majesty.

I huffed. "Because that was my first choice. I actively avoided packing until the last minute in an attempt to turn into you."

"Hey hey hey." He held up his hands like I had deeply offended him. "Being messy is a science. There's a process that requires a lot of practice to master."

I rolled my eyes and stood up straight, gesturing towards the bag. "Knock yourself out, Sensei." I stood with my hands on my hips and watched him go about his supposed process. He picked up all of it in a heap and dumped it in the bag. It took everything in me to not flinch.

"You put in all the big stuff first and then stuff the smaller stuff in the folds of the unfolded clothes," he said while fitting different things in the corners. With a very pointed expression, he raised his hand to shoulder level and dropped the last thing- my power bank- on top of everything like he was dropping the mic. Smugly smiling, he dusted his hands off dramatically. "Done."

I blanched. "I think I'm going to throw up." If I'd known this was the monstrosity I'd have to face after coming home from a horrible exam, I wouldn't have come home at all. I was regretting postponing packing for the trip thoroughly now.

"Then I'll put in a paper bag too. Now get your ass out of here unless you want to miss your flight," he said, physically shoving me out. And he was right. I had been so swamped with the preparation for the next exam that I completely forgot I had to pack. If he hadn't dumped my stuff inside like a regular waste disposal site, I would have reached way too late but I would never tell him that lest it reinstates his faith in being a pig.

It was late evening by the time our flight landed in New York. The sky was turning into ribbons of purple and red like a dying dragon had breathed fire over the blue expanse. The air was cool, blowing past our face in serene gusts, a total opposite to the hustle and bustle around us.

"Have you been here before?" he asked me as we strolled down the sidewalk.

"Twice. Once when I was fifteen and my father had some work so he dragged me along. The second time with Austin and a couple of other people after school ended. We had a road trip to Maine via New York before rounding back to Florida."

"Do you know anyone here?" he asked.

I cocked my head curiously to one side. "No."

He smiled like he knew a secret that I didn't. "You can be yourself then," he said softly but pointedly. It took me a second to understand the exact meaning of his words but as soon as I did, the same ghost of fear reared its ugly head up like the mere words had woken it from its deep sleep. Caleb skipped in front of me and turned completely to me so he was walking backwards. "Come on, Matthew. Your parents won't get to know you're holding a boy's hand all the way from Orlando and there's no one here who can tell them."

I took a deep breath and let it out. Looking in his hazel eyes softened earnestly, I realized exactly how much of a self centered douchebag I was. It would definitely be a step forward in my excruciatingly slow journey of self acceptance but this was hard for him too. The poor guy had to pretend to be straight just because his boyfriend was homophobic. I was extra careful to not even mistakenly touch him unless we were alone behind closed doors. I treated him like my own personal dirty little secret and that stops being hot very quickly. I tucked a stray golden strand behind his ear and leaned in to kiss him softly. "I'm sorry."