Yes, I Am

Chapter Thirty One.

2:44 am.

Caleb's POV.

For a split second, the world froze. I could see everything in stark clarity. The blood flowing down my arm in rivers. Quince and Blake huddled into each other in hopes that they wouldn't fall prey to the terrorizing bullet. The splatters of red on the wall. Most of all, Matthew, the horror etched on his beautiful face, his mouth hanging open in shock and disbelief.

I wanted to hold him close to me, run my fingers through his dark hair and tell him that I was fine. He didn't have to worry so much all the goddamn time. Nothing could ever ruin me, him or us. I wanted to tell him that this was nothing and I would take five more bullets for him any time of the day. This was nothing. I opened my mouth to tell him all of that but no words came out.That's when the pain hit me.

It wasn't the kind of pain that you can breathe through, the kind where you can pinpoint the source of origin and be brave until it gets treated. It wasn't the kind of pain you can hold your mom's hand through and get tricked into laughing through the tears. This was the kind of pain that felt like the veins inside my body had spontaneously combusted. A wave of terror overrode me, consumed me. I clawed at my throat- at least, I think I did. My lungs felt like they were shriveling up on their own from the lack of oxygen. The world was spinning in front of my eyes. I could feel my body giving up, surrendering to the excruciating pain, beckoning me to embrace it. What was the point of fighting it so hard? It would be so easy to give up...

I am back in Queensland, my feet dipped in the protective waters of the Burleigh Heads beach, watching the sun set on the Gold Coast. I used to come here a lot, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. It was there that my friends and I used to build sandcastles and then run them over with a football. It was there that I had learnt surfing at the age of fourteen when my friend's elder brother had started working there as a lifeguard. It was there that I spent nights kicking the dirt, mulling over my life, my choices, my dilemma about whether I should tell my parents I'm gay. It was there that I had my first kiss with a shy boy from the other side of town who was working there that summer in a beach gear shop.

The waves rise up and fell down in a predetermined rhythm like the water has been practicing its dance all day. A smile lights my face as I recount the memories, soaking in the last rays of light of the setting sun. When I open my eyes, it is pitch black. There is pin drop silence all around, broken only by the sound of the water sloshing at my feet.

I notice that I haven't rolled up my jeans and the ends are getting soaked, making the sand stick to it. Mama will get really mad if I go home like that and dirty her pristine floors. I squat down to roll my jeans up. I don't even notice the first wave.Water rises up high in a crescendo, peering down at me derisively, and stops there. I marvel at the droplets glistening in the moonlight, shining like a thousand diamonds embedded on a sheet of grey. Suddenly, the whole wave crashes down upon me and takes me with it into the deep sea. I flail my hands to swim ashore, kick my legs desperately to raise my head out of the water. The sea has a vortex of its own that is sucking me under and I can't do a damn thing about it.

The ice cold water clings to my skin, pressing down from all sides. I gasp when I can't hold my breath much longer and water rushes inside my mouth. It feels heavy, weighted. I realize a few seconds later that it wasn't water that I had been swallowing. It was sand. I was literally getting buried alive.

Just like the water, the sand sucks me deeper in too, like the earth mother is personally exacting revenge from me. An old memory flits into my brain. I couldn't have been more than ten. I was cycling on a dirt road with my friends, racing them through the trekking path that we technically weren't allowed to take. In the heat of the competition, I went way too far ahead. When I turned back, I couldn't see them anymore. I called out to them but there was no response. I thought I'd wait there by myself. Dad had told me that there could be dangerous animals in there. I should never go alone.