Hannah Hart || Oneshots

Make the World Disappear | Hartbig

She quietly closed the bathroom door behind her. In a desperate attempt to get her thoughts and her pulse under control she leaned her head against the cold wall next to the door and took a deep breath (opposed to the shallow, fast breathing she had done before). Eventually her breathing and her heartbeat slowed down to a somewhat normal pace but there was no use trying to get the carousel that was her mind to slow down. It just kept racing and racing and racing. And it wasn't positive. Not at all.
In general Hannah was in quite a good mental condition at the moment. She sure had her depressive episodes but in the past six month those had never lasted longer than a day or two and they also had been ocurring very rarely. But right now everything seemed to get too much, too big, too bad, quite frankly - too everything. Well and Hannah, cute, positive, always cheery Hannah didn't feel like she was strong enough, good enough, to be honest just not enough anymore.  Before she could do anything against it, she felt hot tears streaming down her cheeks. Her body collapsed onto the cold tile floor. She couldn't do anything about it and the only clear thought she had was not to make a noise in order not to worry the tall woman in her living room. The tall blonde who in some way seemed to have triggered this. Most of the time she managed to find positive aspects about herself whenever she began to feel down but facing what sure had to be the definition of perfection, that was quite a hard job to do.
Rationally thinking, Hannah of course knew Grace wasn't perfect. Rationally thinking, she was perfectly aware that the older woman had a ton of flaws. But that was the thing - when it came to Grace Hannah couldn't do rational thinking.
To her Grace was perfect, she was all she had ever wanted, she was all anyone ever could ask for. It had been about half a year into their friendship that Hannah realized she didn't just like Grace as a friend. She realized that she not only wanted to spend a lot of time with her but rather wanted to wake up next to her in the morning and fall asleep next to her in the evening - for the rest of her life. She realized that she did not only admire the blonde's endlessly long legs but rather wanted them wrapped around her neck while doing all kinds of stuff to her that would make Grace moan her name so loud the neighbours could hear her. She realized she didn't only find her big brown eyes pretty and adorable but also wanted to be the reason they lit up. She realized she wasn't only in awe about Grace's cheeks and the stunning cheekbones they featured, but wanted to cup them and then smash her own lips against the other woman's lips, kissing her so passionately that the world around them disappeared for a while.
Hannah Hart was not only head over heals in love with Grace Helbig, she could truly say that she loved every bit her with every last bit of her own. Grace being as straight as an arrow of course didn't change anything about these feelings. Seeing Grace fucking, dating and crying over guys didn't change anything about the way she felt.
Nearly four years had passed since Hannah had come to that realization and nothing had changed about how she felt. She had also come to terms with Grace never liking, well in fact loving her the same way and she had made her peace with it. After all, Grace was her best friend and she wanted in no way to lose her. Because even if she couldn't have her the way she fancied her, even if she couldn't be with her, she could at least be by her side. Grace was like her oxygen, her gravity, her universe, everything she needed to live. But some nights, when Hannah wasn't careful enough, Grace could also be a deadly poison. There were those nights where they went out clubbing and after dancing too close ended up passionately making out. There were those nights where Grace would clinge onto her for dear life, whispering that she, Hannah Hart, was the most important person in her life and always would be. There were those nights where they got too drunk to be reasonable and woke up next to each other the next morning, naked, both of them hardly remembering what went down the night before. And Hannah couldn't even tell if those moments of brief hope, a quick taste of what they could be if Hannah wasn't the only one feeling all of this or the moments where she was harshly reminded that they would never be more than friends were worse everytime Gace called her her best friend. Friend and nothing more than that.
But usually, usually she managed to get over it, to just be fine with it, because well she got to be friends with Grace and that was still better than nothing, right?
But not tonight. Tonight nothing would have been better. Tonight not even knowing Grace would have been better. Because tonight those feelings that were buried so deep within her that she even sometimes thought she had managed to crush them down were all that had been needed to push her over the edge. And now she was falling. Falling into an endless circle of self-loathing. Falling into an never ending darkness of not being loved back the way she needed to be loved back in order to be complete.
Hannah was so lost in thought that her heart nearly skipped a beat when somebody knocked on the wooden door.
"Hannah? You okay in there?"
She didn't answer at first because tears were still streaming down her face and she was a hundred percent positive Grace would hear that she was crying when she opened her mouth and then she would have to explain. And Hannah didn't want to explain, Hannah couldn't explain. Especially not to Grace. But of course the older woman outside the door wouldn't just disappear.
"Han? What's going on? I swear to god, I'm going to kick this damn door in if you don't answer. You know I'm not joking."
In a somewhat senseless effort to make herself sound normal, Hannah wiped her tears away, swallowed and answered: "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'll be out in a sec."
"You sure, you've been in there for like... Han? Why are you crying? Open this door, right now."
There was a moment of silence, but when Grace realized Hannah wasn't going to answer she spoke again.
"Han, like, I know you're stronger than me and everything but that doesn't mean that I. Can't. Kick. This. Door. In. Y'know to open it would just be easier for the both of us. Speaking of you having to rebuild it or some shit and me potentially, I don't know, breaking some bones or something else that hurts."
Hannah couldn't help but smile a little but  the smile faded as fast as it has appeared when she realized she had no other choice but letting Grace in.
"Wait, wait I'll open up." , she managed to say, her voice barely audible on the other side of the door. She took another deep breath, then lifted herself up enugh to unlock the door, just to sink back on the ground again. The energy she would have needed to muster up in order to get up just seemed like a waist to her. So she stayed where she was, looking to the ground, hoping Grace wouldn't see her this vulnerable but of course it was too late for that - the leggy blonde had already entered and was now sitting down next to her, carefully scooting closer, putting her arm around Hannah's back and petting it soothingly. The younger woman couldn't help but lean into Grace.
Nobody spoke until Hannah's body finally stopped shaking from all the sobs, which definitely took some time. Grace just sat there patiently, waiting for her best friend to calm down. Then she pulled the younger one up, still holding her close, softly pushing her to the couch in the living room where she sat her down and then sat down next to her.
"So... how about you tell me what's wrong?", Grace finally asked, the worry clearly audible in her voice.
"I- Grace, I can't...", Hannah mumbled defensively.
"Hell, sure you can. I'm your best friend. You can tell me anything, you know that, right Hannah?"
There were the words again. Best friends. Remonding Hannah of just why she couldn't talk to Grace about this. But, truth be told, she was just way too tired to make up some half-assed excuse as to why she was in this state.
"It's just... I... I'm... God it's so stupid... I mean, I'm such a waste. Jesus, why would you even put up with me?! I'm just so -"
Grace cut her off.
"Hannah, I love you. You're the best friend I ever had. That's why. And I don't know how that bullshit got into your brain right now, but it's not true, okay? You're not a waste. I. Love. You."
"But there's... there's nothing lovable about me. And then there's you and you're just - I don't know, perfect I guess. And I'm... I'm just... nothing." Hannah's voice was nothing but a whisper and she could feel another tear falling down her cheek already.
Grace sighed and wiped the tear away gently, before she answered.
"Hannah... oh Jesus. I'm sure as hell not perfect. And you're not nothing. You're lovable. So, so lovable. You know what? I'm just going to tell you all the things that I love about you, so you can believe me. Where do I start? Let's just... For instance, the freckle in your eye and the one on your nose, those are just the most adorable freckles the world has ever seen. And your hair just looks amazing. You know, just your whole physical appearance is great for a start. But of course there's more, there's so much more. You're strong, so, so strong. And I mean, of course you're also physically strong, but that's not what I was referring to. I meant like, you know, mentally and emotionally. I barely know anyone who has been through as much shit as you've been yet you nearly always manage to stay positive. And like, I know you think you're weak right now but it's totally okay to be vulnerable. Oh and also the way you get excited for something? I can't think of anything that is cuter. For example that movie we just saw and you got so passionate about it, I couldn't even decide if I wanted to share it with the whole world or if I just wanted to keep it to myself. Oh sweet Jesus, I'm thinking of so many things right now. You're also so goddamn smart, you know that right? The way you talk about poetry, like, you know, the way you actually understand what those poems mean when they're like literally gibberish to three quarters of the population... When I think about it, you're probably the smartest person I know. You're also the most caring person I've ever met, the way you interact with your sisters, or even with me for that matter, even though I can be such a shitty friend and probably don't even deserve it. I love that so much about you. There are so many people who pretend to care but you are the only one I trust to care. You're the only one I trust with anything, really. You're also the only one who can cheer me up and your sense of humour is just great. And how you can never not help. Like, I know you think you need to work on it but I think it's just great. You're just... the world would be so much darker without you. And that's so super cheesy, I better think of something else to say before you can beat me up for that one. I mean, I'm pretty sure your smile is, like, the definition of humanly possible joy it always lights up the whole room and your laugh... your laugh is the purest sound I've ever heard. And also this one is probably pretty weird but you're fucking adorable when you get nervous, you got this habit of fumbling around with you ear and that probably shouldn't adorable but it sure as fuck is. Also, your eyes..."
Grace stopped for a moment. She was slightly surprised Hannah hadn't interrupted her but on the other hand there hadn't been any time Hannah could have said anything. Grace had gotten a little heated over her own little speech, talking faster and faster, barely taking the time to breath in. Without even thinking about it, she laid her hand under the younger girls chin, softly forcing her to lock her gaze with her own, while her thumb gently caressed over Hannah's cheek. They stayed like that for a while, staring into each others eyes, Hannah's still puffy and red, Grace's full of love, before Grace whispered: "Your eyes, Hannah Hart, are the only oceans I don't mind drowning in."
But Hannah just shook her head.
"Grace, stop it. I know you don't mean to but you're just hurting me. Please. Stop.", she whispered back.
The older woman frowned, not understanding what the other one could possibly mean. With their faces this close to each other she might have been a little distracted by the thought of Hannah's lips, but even trying really hard to focus she couldn't think of a thing she had done to hurt the shorter woman.
"What do you... I don't understand."
"It's just... you're telling me about all those things you love about me, when in fact you will never love me. Not the way I want you to. The way I need you to. Not the way I love you."
Hannah's voice, already nothing but a whisper cracked while she struggled to say the last sentence. The words had slipped from her mouth before she had even thought about it, they had suddenly been there and she hadn't been able to stop them from coming out of her mouth, leaving her in a bit of a shock. Grace was still frowning, obviously carefully thinking about her answer.
"How would you know?", she then replied.
"Isn't it obvious? I mean, you're straight. I'm gay. I... well let's say I fancy you in a way you will never fancy me."
Something seemed to amuse Grace. She wasn't smiling but her eyes weren't able to hide it, confusing Hannah a lot more than she already was. Here she was, telling her best friend how she felt about her - something she had sworn to never ever do - and there was her best friend looking as if she knew some kind of secret that Hannah had yet to figure out.
"What? What is it Grace?", shot out of her, harsher than she had wanted it to be. She wasn't going to take it back, though.
"Well... if I have learned one thing about myself since I've gotten to know you, it certainly is that I am definitely not straight. I was so scared and it took me so long to accept it but here's the thing. You make me feel more than anyone before ever could. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I've felt this way for a long time but until I realized what it meant it took so, so long. And even when I did I never thought you'd feel the same way. But Han, I'm like ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure you're the love of my life. And I can't even believe I've hurt you so much. Out of all the things I never wanted to do, hurting you was always on top of the list..."
Hannah could nearly feel the way her whole face lit up while she was slowly gaining a bit of her confidence back.
"Why don't you just kiss me and make me forget about all the pain then?", she asked innocently.
And oh boy, Grace did. She kissed Hannah in a way Hannah had never been kissed before. They kissed and both of them knew they would never need anything or anyone else. They kissed and the world around them disappeared.

------

A/N: So well, yes, this isn't Hangrid. I just don't feel comfortable writing about them at the moment, especially with Ingrid dating someone, etc. However, I have decided not to end this story thing but rather make the oneshots about Hannah/the Holy Trinity. Maybe there will be Hangrid again in the future but I won't make any promises. If you were just here for Hangrid, feel free to leave, even though I'd of course be happy if you stay.