Hannah Hart || Oneshots

This Is Goodbye | Swarto

[Disclaimer: NSFF.]

But you've been silent for some time

As if you felt it was a crime

That your love was running out

---

It was quiet in Hannah's apartment. Maybe too quiet. It wasn't a comfortable silence though, it was a silence that made all the little noises unbearably loud. Had there always been so many cars driving by? And why had she never noticed the sound her floor made when you stepped on that certain part of it? Had her fridge ever made this much noise? Maybe someone would have to come to check it sometime. All those small noises combined in her head, crashing together, creating something incredibly loud until she thought she would be going deaf soon. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was knowing that nobody was about to come home to distract her from all of this. Nobody was about to kiss her hello and goodnight. Or at least not the one she wanted to.

It had started with the little things, really. At first Hannah hadn't even picked up on it. It wasn't that unusual to nearly always go out with friends instead of spending some quality time as a couple, right? It was totally normal for her girlfriend occasionally having to work so much she wouldn't come home before midnight, right?

Hannah was trying to fall asleep. She couldn't. Her pillow still smelled like Sarah. She knew there was still one of Sarah's shirts in the closet. She was laying on the mattress on which she had first made love to Sarah and had first told her she loved her. How was she supposed to fall asleep in a room that basically screamed Sarah? Everything in here reminded her of light green eyes and sun bleached hair. Of kisses and shared hopes and dreams. There was no way she was going to get sleep in this room. Sighing she shifted, clutching the pillow even closer to her chest and buried her face in it, reminiscing about everything that had happened in here.

It didn't stop with the little things. Those had only been the first signs. Later on, Sarah had basically covered herself in work, taking jobs she didn't have to take, excused herself nearly every time they had made plans. Deep down Hannah knew that that was the point where she should have started to ask questions. But truth be told, she had been afraid. Afraid of what asking questions might have leaded to. Afraid what knowing the truth could have meant. So she had just brushed it off, blamed it upon her manager-turned-girlfriend's crazy schedule. She had told herself that things would go back to normal, if she just stayed with the stunning blonde a little while longer. That everything would be fine. Even when she fell asleep with the other half of her bed cold and empty once again.

She still hadn't cried, except for that one time Sarah had left through her apartment door for the very last time. It had been two weeks and she still hadn't cried. On the other hand, she hadn't been doing a lot of other things either. Most of the time she just lied around, curled up in a ball, trying to make herself even smaller than she already was. At times she wasn't even sure if she still was capable of feeling anything. Since Swike left she had been nothing but numb. Maybe lonely, if you counted that as a feeling. But mainly numb. She knew that very soon she would have to start acting, making up better excuses than being tired for Mamrie and Grace. But today was not the day. She frankly didn't care enough.

It was only when Sarah stopped replying to most of her love declarations that she was unable to repress the worries anymore. Those were either ignored or set aside with a laugh or a simple 'I know.' Hannah didn't want Sarah to 'know'. She wanted her to say it back and she wanted her to mean it. But even then Hannah had been too afraid to start asking questions. She hadn't been ready. She doubted that she ever would have been ready. So she had held onto hope. Hope that things would go back to how they had been, to the times where everything had just felt so right and so easy on both sides. She had hoped, hoped, hoped and then hoped some more, because it was all she had left.