Hannah Hart || Oneshots

I May Not Know A Lot Of Things About Love | Hartsquared

Dear Hannah,

God, I never thought I would be that person. But, apparently, I am. Because here I sit, writing this. Can you believe it? I know, I can't either.

Fuck, I don't even know how to start this stuff properly. And by now I've probably already confused you as much as I've confused myself. I'm truly sorry. I hope I will start to make more sense in a bit. Probably not going to happen, though. We'll see how this goes.

Maybe let's start with why I am writing this. Does that count as a good start? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Well.

I am writing this, because I have been feeling a lot of things recently. Well, for a while now, to be honest. Oh, and because I know that little brain of yours is probably freaking out at this point, going through everything that you could have possibly done that would affect our friendship in a negative way, let me assure you: This is not about anything you have done.

Except, maybe, being so goddamn easy to fall in love with.

That's the only thing you're guilty of.

There. I said it. I'm in fucking love with you. And I don't have the guts to talk to you in person. At least not about this. I know, crazy, right? Mamrie Hart, too much of a coward to admit her feelings. Don't let the other kids find out. Not that they matter. You're the only one that matters, Hannah.

In this swamp of unimportant high school drama, filled with even more unimportant battles of trying to desperately be a cool kid and all those unimportant people about to probably have their hopes crushed some day, you're the only one that matters.

Shit, I sound sappy, don't I?

I hope you don't mind.

I could write about all the things that made me fall in love with you. I could write about all the ways in which I need you. I could write so much about you, you know? But what's the point in that. I'm not a good writer. It wouldn't come out the way I want it to. I'm barely finding the words to write this letter. You have always been the poet out of the two of us. And apparently a year of you being my best friend still hasn't taught me how to do the thing with the words.

I'm sorry I'm rambling so much.

Anyways.

Since I'm not good with words I'm going to steal something somebody else wrote. Do you remember that book we once had to read for our English class? By Nick Hornby? I don't even remember its name. It was about that guy who got his girlfriend pregnant when they were, like, sixteen. Whatever, that's not even my point.

In that book there was a paragraph about how suddenly all you seem to do is waiting when you're in love with someone. At the time I thought it was bullshit. Just some weird stuff somebody wrote to make their book sound extra smart or something like that. It is only now that I realize how true that was. All of a sudden my whole day is based on waiting. In the morning I wait to see you in the hallways for the first time that day. When we have different classes I desperately wait for it to be over, just so I can talk to you again. In the evening I wait for you to text me or to reply to my texts or to call me. When I try to sleep I sometimes can't because instead I'm waiting for the morning to come so the whole cycle can repeat itself. Even on the weekends I wait. Either for you to come over or for school to start again.

Who the fuck waits for school to start again?

I do, apparently.

I'm doing a lot of things I thought I'd never do, nowadays. Like, you know, falling in love with my best friend.

Or writing a fucking love letter to my best friend. Stuff like that.

But I just can't help it. I really wish I could. Honestly, if I could have any super power you can think of, I'd choose being able to make myself fall out of love. But I guess that's not the way things work. Would be too easy, wouldn't it?

I'm just so afraid. I'm so afraid of making things awkward between the two of us. I'm so afraid of losing you because of this bullshit. I don't know if I could handle losing you. Losing you is probably one of my worst fears. Sometimes I don't even know how to handle the thought of losing you.

That sounds deep, doesn't it? I promised myself I wouldn't get too deep. I guess I failed. But, to be fair, how does one talk about their feelings without getting too deep? If you know, please tell me, because I certainly do not.

Whatever.

I mean, maybe this is just a stupid high school crush. Nothing more but some fleeting teenager thing. This thing that somehow exists inside of me now – but will just disappear in a bit. Maybe I don't even know what love is. But, if I am being honest (which is kind of the point of even writing this) that's not what it feels like.

I may not know a lot of things about love, but I know that your voice makes me feel at home.

I know that I never feel as safe as when you hug me.

I know that my stomach drops and does weird flippy things whenever I make you laugh.

I know that everything you consist of makes my head spin.

I know that you are the most beautiful human being I ever had the pleasure to cross paths with.

I know that nearly always end up staring at your lips when I was trying to make eye contact and I know that whenever I stare at your lips all I wanna do is kiss them.

I'm sorry if this is too much.

If you want to, we can completely ignore this ever happened. You forget about it, I forget about it and we never have to talk about it. If that's not what you want, we can talk about this, I guess. In that case, I apologize in advance for all the weird things I will probably end up saying. I hope that won't bother you.

But honestly, do whatever makes you feel better about this. I didn't write this letter to make you realize that you're oh-so-in-love with me and then for us to live happily ever after. I mean, that's definitely not an outcome I would be unhappy about. But that's besides the point.

I wrote this letter because I needed to get this off my chest and because I felt like I was lying to you. And you, Hannah Hart, do not deserve to have anybody lie to you.

I hope this won't fuck us up.

I would be so sorry if I am the one to fuck us up just because I don't have my stupid heart under control.

Please don't let this fuck up everything we have.

- Mamrie

[A/N: Wow, it's been some time, hasn't it? I would have liked to write more stuff but I kind of was in a creative rut and I had a lot of things going on, with school as well as in my personal life. Well, I hope all of you are okay. By the way: If any of you has anything like requests/prompts for this just let me know.]