How to Human (Remastered)

Mating Patterns

Humans have the most complex and ridiculous mating patterns out of any creature on planet Earth (or in the galaxy, for the matter).

For one, their priority does not seem to be producing more humans, but instead making sure they want to stay with the mate they have chosen for life.

The human mating process has multiple levels. Here is what is known:

Stage One: the "Crush"

Stage Two: "Dating"

Stage Three: "Marriage" (this is the stage where most humans finally reproduce)

Let's start with stage one, what humans call the "crush". This is when one human finds another human to be attractive, and wishes them to be their mate. It is unknown why exactly it is called a "crush", as neither human is physically crushed in the process.

Stage two is called "dating". When two humans admit they find each other to be worthy of mate material, they begin to spend more time together. This helps them find out if they want to be mates for life.

The last stage is "marriage". When the two humans have dated for a significant amount of time, they will decide they want to mate for life. To do so, they get small metal rings placed on their fingers after a man in a robe speaks for half an earthen hour. This bonds the humans together and shows their commitment to their mate.

At the marriage stage is when most humans decide to reproduce, although some do so in the dating stage, whether on accident or on purpose. Most human pairs have an average of two to three children.

HOW TO GET A MATE

Assuming you've now blended in seamlessly to human society, you can choose a mate if you wish. (Humans typically pursue the opposite sex, but same-sex human pairings are possible.)

When you have chosen a human you wish to mate with, make sure to earn their trust and smile a lot. Tell them funny things to make them like you more. When the time is right, ask the potential mate on a date with you. This means taking them to the movies or to acquire food and eat it together. If the other human accepts, you will have passed stage one.

It is not advised to go into stage three, as it will become harder and harder to achieve domination the closer to the human you become.