paper thin (phan)

n i n e t e e n

It had been a week. Phil was still recovering, not texting much or being as social with Dan. Maybe he was just scared that if he got too close, Jason would come back and hurt them.

Then the weekend came. And Dan wasn't sleeping, instead drawing but then he got the call. Phil was calling him.

Phil never calls anybody.

Dan instantly tensed up and answered. "P-Phil?"

"There's my favorite stutter," Dan heard Phil giggle. "Did I wake you? It's late, I know."

Dan fidgeted with his free hand, still feeling anxious. "No, I was just drawing. Are you okay?"

Phil wasn't as outgoing after the incident. He didn't want to be known as the school player, in fact he didn't want to be known at all. He became shyer and more jumpy, flinching if someone spoke suddenly or moved too quickly. "I just really missed you."

"Phil, you need a break and I get it. It's fine if I d-don't get to hang out with you everyda-"

"But I miss you. I miss holding your hand and kissing all over your face until you're blushing really hard, and I miss cuddling with you in the wagon while we build up the treehouse, and I miss when you and I are home alone and we-"

"Phil!" Dan scolded, face instantly heating up. And then Phil giggled, and Dan's anxiety vanished just at the sound of it. "But is that why you're calling?"

"I wanted to finish building the treehouse. Tonight."

"But we've barely e-even started, we'd be working till the sun came up."

"See you there! Bring your fake ID and note." Phil simply sang, ignoring Dan's protest and hanging up. Dan shook his head, dimples forming in his cheeks as he smiled at himself. He got dressed into outdoor clothes and made his way outside, not even bothering to say where he was going as it was past midnight and his parents were most likely asleep.

"Dan? Where are you going?"

He jumped at the sound of his brother's whisper behind him, turning on his heel to find Chris rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

"I-I'm meeting Phil a-at the treehouse, I'll be back tonight if we stay awake. We're gonna finish rebuilding it."

"Just be safe. . . please. You're my little brother and I don't want to have to live the rest of my life telling my friends that my best friend died," Chris sighed. Dan smiled sadly, hobbling over and wrapping his arms around Chris. Chris hugged him back, holding him against his chest as he was taller. "I worry about you, you know?"

"I'll be fine, Chris."

Chris reached out and ruffled his little brother's hair, grinning softly. "Alright, go have fun and don't make stupid decisions. I love you, little brother."

Dan flashed a crooked grin before nodding. "Love you too. I'll be back, alright? Cover f-for me."

Chris shot him a thumbs up before Dan left the house, walking to the park to find Phil in the wagon. He was staring up at the stars, cigarette between his shaking hands. He still had fading bruises and scabbed wounds that Dan wanted to brush his lips over until his kisses covered them up. He hated seeing them, he hated remembering that someone would be so horrible to beat up someone who was already breaking.

"You gonna keep staring or come over here?" Phil spoke, a small chuckle tumbling from his lips as he exhaled a puff of smoke. Dan rolled his eyes, wandering over as Phil stood up. Dan stared at him, examining his features for a second. The way the bags under his eyes were darker than his hair and the way his smile looked like it was taped upwards at the sides.

Dan lurched forward and hugged him tightly, nudging his head into Phil's chest as Phil wrapped his arms around his neck. "I love you." Dan's voice was muffled from being pressed against the material of Phil's shirt, and it was hesitant anyway, but Phil still heard it and Dan felt him tense up. Phil pushed Dan away slightly, placing his hands on Dan's jawline and pressing a kiss to his nose.

"I love you too, angel," Phil giggled, looking at his boyfriend lovingly. Dan didn't realize he was crying until Phil wiped away a stray tear with his thumb. "Why are you crying, baby?"

"I'm just r-really worried about you," Dan admitted, looking down at his feet. "I'm afraid that if I blink, you'll disappear forever."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here as long as you're staying with me. I would never just leave you, not even if I was being forced to. I'd always find a way to keep you. I'll be okay, just not right now. It's going to take time but seeing you like this, holding you in my arms is definitely going to help speed up the process."

Dan smiled against Phil's hand, taking Phil's hand off his jawline only to press a kiss to the back of his hand. "Should we get to b-building then?" Phil nodded.

"But I want to do something first," Phil began, walking over to the wagon. "Get out your fake ID and note and toss them in the wagon." Dan obliged, taking out his fake ID and his suicide note he had kept just in case then throwing them in the red wagon. Phil pulled out his cigarettes and an old picture of his dad. "Close your eyes."

Dan did, shutting his eyes and listening to the sound of liquid being poured in the wagon. "Open your eyes," Phil told him. He did, eyes fluttering before completely opening them. He furrowed his eyes when he saw the gasoline in Phil's grip and a pack of matches in the other hand. "I want you to take this and burn the stuff in wagon. I know you don't like fire, but I want us to forget that. I want us to forget the past. Forget your drinking and I'll forget my smoking. I don't want you to die and you don't want me to die either. We'll face our problems together, no inanimate objects included."

Dan hesitated before taking it, hand shaking as he pulled out a match and scraped it against the back. It lit up and Dan sucked in a breath, looking at the objects in the wagon before flicking it towards them. He watched it fall and land, the items instantly setting fire. Dan tensed up, eyes squeezing shut. He felt Phil's hand take his own and then their lips touching, and Dan relaxed.

"Things are only as scary as you make them," Phil told his boyfriend, mouth still brushing against the other's. The flames behind them created a reddish silhouette, the covered halves of them blending in with the darkness, like a quarter moon. "I'm not scared when I'm with you."

Dan blushed, eyes flickering to the fire in the wagon. "I'm not afraid," he lied, and Phil rolled his eyes with a laugh, seeing right through the brunette. They pulled away, only for Dan to lean into the boy's touch when Phil put an arm around his angel's shoulders. Dan let out a breath, watching his distractions and methods burn in front of him. The only noises heard was the fire crackling and crickets chirping, along with the occasional shuffling of the couple nudging into each other.

Dan had never felt more content while he should feel anxious. He was afraid of the fire, but it seemed as though when he was with Phil, when he was with the love of his life and own real life support, he was fearless. He was reckless, he could do things his anxious side wouldn't even dream of. Phil was his wings and Dan was the angel, and they were teaching each other to fly together.

He wasn't nervous that Jason could appear any minute, or his parents would find him and ground him, or someone could randomly kidnap them, because Phil was his and this was the best it was going to get and that wasn't so bad at all. Because sure, they weren't perfect. One had ADHD, the other had severe anxiety. But no relationship is all smiles and laughs and they were okay with that. They knew they would both be okay eventually, no matter how long it took.

He brushed his head into Phil's neck, small smiles finding its way onto their lips. And he watched the last bits of his note crumpling to ashes, reading the last he could: The title of the note.

I Am Paper Thin.

fin