The Art Of Keeping Up Disappearances // Brallon

Ziminar

☥ brendon's pov ☥
tw: self harm

i was hanging out with ryan in his basement, they let me out of the hospital and ryan drove to my house to see if my dad was there- he wasn't, luckily, so i just stayed with ryan. his house was freezing, as always and we both wore huge sweatshirts. the sleeves covered the drawings i saw on my arm- my chest hurt a little when i remembered dallon had drawn it... that we were soulmates.

we had been binge watching Stranger Things on Netflix all day and eating random junk ryan had in his empty house. i honestly think i've only met his parents once or twice and his sister was home a lot but never talked to us.

i turned and placed a soft kiss to ryan's lips as a smile spread across his face.

"do you love me?" he asked, the smile disappearing.

"of course, why are you asking?" i stammered.

"i-i mean, you've got dallon and then the second he gets upset, you just come running back to me, and, and you know i love you and you know i'll always be there for you, for good or worse, and i-i-i j-just," the boy started to tear up, he looks so small and innocent. his eyes were wide and his frail hands slightly shaking as he held back his emotions.

i placed a hand on his back and he leaned into me, shaking and crying. i had seen ryan in his worst states but never like this, he was so scared.

"no one loves me b," he sniffled into my shoulder, "i-i mean, no one could fall in love with m-me," he pulled away, wiping tears from his eyes with a shaky hand.

"look at me, b, i'm a mess," he pulled up his sleeves, revealing hundreds of cuts, some fading some still open, running along both his arms from elbow to wrist. i even saw some deep ones vertically running down. on his left arm there was a bunch of words in blue ink.

hello?

is anyone there?

please

i really need someone right about now

please?

"there's no one b, no one is out there," he sobbed, arms still outstretched.

i was still trying to wrap my head around this, ryan tried to kill himself. ryan wanted to be dead. he ruined himself because he couldn't find someone to love him. that's all he wanted, to be loved.

and i couldn't love him, not in the way he wanted me to.

"ry," i whispered, "i'm, i-" i looked into his eyes, tears streaming out as his eyebrows knitted together. he was a beautiful cryer, i'll give him that.

my heart collapsed seeing him like this. so sad, so desperate, so

broken.

"i can't make it better this time, can i?" i asked, he shook his head.

"i didn't know, ry," i continued, "you just always seemed so, happy,"

he flashed me a distant smile, "yeah b, i'm ha-ppy," his voice cracked while saying happy.

"maybe it doesn't work if you don't believe," i said quietly.

"w-what?" ryan sniffled.

"well, maybe you can't reach your soulmate because they don't believe," i said, reaching out for ryan's hand and interweaving our fingers.

his face lost its concern for a split second, "yeah, maybe," he rested his head on my shoulder, "thanks b,"

"ry, i want you to know that you deserve to be loved, and you will be, you'll find someone, someday, who'll love you more than anything in the whole world," he simply shrugged.