The Art Of Keeping Up Disappearances // Brallon

Pruflas

dallon's pov

"You're an idiot," elle said the moment brendon was out of earshot. she glared at me and put her hand on her hip like mom used to when she scolded me for drawing on myself- but if i'd only listened to mom i wouldn't be in this situation.

"shut the hell up, elle," I sighed, wiping tears from my face and slumping against the wall. "just go eat okay? i'll be down to open presents in a bit."

"you just lost brendon, does that mean anything to you?" she snapped, taking it upon herself to invite herself in. elle stepped into my room and closed the door softly behind her, yet the way her hands twitched told me she wanted to slam it.

"why does it mean anything to you?" i snapped back. i tried to make myself sound angry, i really did, but all i could think was im just a bet.

fuck, i was nothing to brendon. just another fuck to impress his friends. i fell in love with a boy who saw me as just another body. he called me 'sexy' but that didn't mean anything to him, did it? so why should leaving him mean anything to me?

why did him leaving make me feel like my heart was torn out?

"because he made you happy, dumbass!" elle yelled, angrily sitting down across from me on the floor- yeah, she managed to angrily sit down. "i've never seen you happy, at least not since mon died. you weren't depressed or angry just...numb and kind of emotionless. and then brendon came around and suddenly you were alive again.

you smiled and cried and carried him through the cold. you loved him, idiot, and now he's gone! i want you to be happy because you're my brother, and bredon made you happy. now he's gone, so what will happen to you?"

somewhere in elle's rant, i'd started sobbing again. she was right.

after our mom died i just stopped feeling. i did as i was told, kept my head down, and whenever i felt emotional, i just drew all my feelings away. i poured my emotions into my art so i didn't have to truly feel them. i pushed away the few friends i had and was left empty. brendon truly did bring me back to life.

and now...he was gone.

elle had calmed down when she saw me sobbing, and shuffled forward to hug me. it was awkward- she was much shorter and i sort of folded over her- but i felt a little more stable hugging her.

"when did you get so smart, kid?" i asked through tears. elle shrugged. "you're a good little sister. i love you."

"i love you, too."

"why would he do this?"

"what did he do?" she asked moving away now. i quickly explained, trying to go fast to avoid crying again. when i was finished, elle looked frustrated again.

"dallon, just because he made the bet doesn't mean he didn't change. it doesn't mean he never loved you." she sighed like it was obvious.

"but why would he do that? why wouldn't he tell me?" i asked, curling in on myself with my knees to my chest. if he'd told me, i would have understood right? according to elle, no.

"you would have freaked out like you are now- with good reason, but you still would have freaked out." she explained. as much as i hated to admit it, she was right. i would have flipped if i'd known, and brendon and i would still be in this situation.

a knock came from my door, and my dad entered.

"hey, foods getting cold," he said, then did a double take after realizing elle and i sitting on the floor and me with tears running down my face. "oh, dallon are you okay?"

"fine," i said, standing up. a crack in my voice obviously gave me away, yet my dad didn't comment.

after eating, i didn't sit with elle and my dad and open gifts like we usually did on christmas. instead, i slipped off to my room, making sure my door was shut behind me. i heard elle go into her room, and honestly felt bad knowing my dad was downstairs alone on christmas, his family presumably not caring enough to be with him. but my feelings of sorrow for my dad were quickly washed away as i heard a knock on my door. elle came in even though i didn't say she could. she sat down on my bed next to me, and we just looked at each other for a long moment. even though she was only thirteen, she was incredibly smart and thoughtful, and it always amazed my how her hazel eyes seemed to look right through you.

"how are you going to fix this?" she asked quietly, after the long moment had passed. 

"i don't know,"

"do you even want to fix this?" she asked, blonde eyebrows knitting together. i hesitated to answer, for maybe too long. it really wasn't something i had to think about, i knew i wouldn't be happy without brendon- without my soulmate.

"yes," i finally answered, my voice cracking. more tears were filling my eyes, blurring my vision. elle put an arm around my shoulders comfortingly and layed her head on my shoulder. i must've looked pathetic, i was crying about losing my boyfriend who technically wasn't even my boyfriend, and had to be comforted by my little sister.

"talk to him, get him to come back over," she said. "talk to him face to face and be honest."

"okay," i muttered through tears, feeling her arm slip from my shoulders. i heard her exit the room, and fell back on my bed, curling into a ball. i know i should have texted brendon or something, but i couldn't do it just yet, the hot tears running down my cheeks were like chains holding me down and stopping me from doing anything. after god knows how long, though, i felt a tingle in my thighs that slowly turned into a burning. the only time i'd felt that kind of burn was, sadly,  only a day ago when i had to save brendon from ending his life. i lept out of bed and locked my door, then quickly tugged down my pants to look at my thighs, harsh red lines now slowly crawling across them.  he was hurting himself again.

grabbing a pen, i pressed it over the lines- that were cuts to brendon- and scrawled as quickly as i could.

you're my soulmate. im sorry for yelling. let's talk this out and spend this christmas together. please, i love you.

after just a few moments, his messy handwriting appeared.

why?

because i cant stand the thought of you alone on christmas or the thought of being without you for a minute. i cant stand seeing these red lines and knowing that on you they are bleeding cuts.

deep bro

please brendon

what if im fine without you?

youre literally cutting  yourself

so?

so you're not fine without me or at least youre not fune right now and i want you to be fine because i love you. and im running out of room on my thigh so come back over because i want to talk

why

because i cant lose you

okay

be safe

its a ten minute walk

shut up and get over here