I woke up shaking. My heart was beating fast and I was sweating. Another nightmare. This was the fourth one this week.
"Are you ok, Dan?" Phil said. Oh yeah, I forgot he was still here. Lately I've been forgetful. I've had a major appetite loss and I've been feeling down. Phil has been trying to get me to go to a therapist, but I'm too stubborn to actually go.
I shook my head, hoping he would realize that I didn't want to talk about it. He seemed to understand and just wrapped me up in his arms. Today was the day of my dad's funeral. I've been dreading this day all week, staying up until four am every morning worrying about it. It was ridiculous how much this has affected me. I know it's normal to be sad after your father dies, but this was different. I wasn't just sad, I was depressed. I felt useless and I couldn't even find the strength in me to get up out of bed. Phil had been taking care of me, bringing me food and making sure I was comfortable.
I don't deserve him. He deserves so much better. He should just leave. He'll be better off without me anyways, right? He should just go and find someone better. Someone that isn't depressed and can take care of themselves. Someone that doesn't have to rely on him to feed them and help them fall asleep after a nightmare. Someone that isn't me.
I felt tears start to build up in my eyes. I love Phil. And he loves me. But he needs someone else. I started to shake again. "Dan?" I sat up and held my face in my hands, sobbing into them.
"Dan why are you crying? What's wrong?" I just shook my head, trying keep my thoughts inside.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep it in. "You deserve so much better. I don't deserve you or your love. You should just leave me and find someone else to love you. Someone that you don't have to feed because they're too depressed to get up out of bed and someone you don't have to comfort after a fucking nightmare. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of staying in bed all day, but I can't get up. I don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I'm fucking 20. I'm stupid and not good for anything." I was shaking hard. Even after I said all of this, he decided that he wasn't having any of it.
"Dan, listen to me. You are amazing. You mean so much to me and if you left I wouldn't know what to do. I would be devastated. You aren't stupid, you are good for so many things. And if anything, I don't deserve you. I loved you long before we even started dating, I would stay up at night thinking about what it would be like if we were together. If you told me a year ago that we were together, kissed, and even went as far as to have sex, I wouldn't believe you. You mean so much to me. I just want you to know that, I love you so much. Don't ever forget that." I stayed silent, just staring at him with tears still in my eyes. I was speechless.
"Phil-" I was cut off by his lips, kissing me softly. His lips felt good against my own. He ran his fingers up and down my spine, sending chills through my body. I parted my lips and he slipped his tongue in my mouth. He flipped me over on my back, still kissing me. He took his lips off of mine and stared at me. He had tears running down his face.
"I love you, Dan. Please don't ever leave me." I pressed my forehead to his.
"I promise, I'll keep going. For you." He placed gentle kisses all over my face. A huge grin was on my face and his eyes lit up when he saw me smiling. That's when I realized that that was the first time I smiled all week. He giggled, sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth. I pecked him on the lips and got up.
"I'm going to try and fix some food." I said as I started walking towards the door.
"Do you want me to help you?" I nodded my head and we both walked to the kitchen.
