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Upstate New York, 5 Years Ago III

Upstate New York, 5 Years Ago III

There was a fine line between forgetting and moving on. Santana learned that from Cape Cod. Forgetting was a band-aid and what she needed were stitches. She worked hard on the farm and the first couple of days her whole body ached in the morning but she was used to it from cheerleading. Old Santana would've balked at the thought of manual labour. New Santana found it rewarding. It was the perfect thing to take her mind off of Brittany during the day. At night, she thought a little about her before she went to bed and found that with every passing day, the hurt scabbed over a little more. That's not to say that she didn't have nights where she cried into her pillow uncontrollably but those moments happened less and less as the weeks wore on.

Bruce and Janice were happy to have Santana around. It gave Janice more time to help out at the motel where she worked as housekeeping to help Bruce pay the bills. Santana took care of Laney and drove Max to the bus stop every morning. Then she returned to help Bruce herd the animals into the fields, cared for Laney and then after Janice came back, helped Bruce bring the animals back in. It wasn't perfect, Santana thought to herself, but it was good. And really, that's was more than she could hope for. And for a long time, Santana felt content. She wasn't happy, no, she hadn't felt that since Brittany died and she sincerely doubted if that feeling would ever return but this was the best she was going to get in a while. Janice, Bruce, Max, Laney and even the puppies became her new family. She didn't forget her old one, Janice made sure she called every week just to put her family's mind at rest.

But as all things do, summer came to an end. By late August, Santana realized that the trees were turning red, yellow and orange, signalling the incoming fall. Her heart hung heavily in her chest as she remembered that she was going to have to go home. Each day got a little shorter and went by a little faster. Santana knew one thing; she wasn't ready to leave.

"So you're going home in a week?" Janice asked. Santana probed her meatloaf sadly, not particularly hungry. Janice fed Laney a spoonful of mashed broccoli which the girl spit out promptly.

"I don't want to." Santana said.

"Honey, you promised your parents. I can't keep you away from them." Santana knew Janice was right. She had promised her parents she'd be back in September and that date was quickly barrelling towards her. She asked her mother whether she meant early September or late September, knowing full well the answer. Her mother answered in a voice that Santana didn't question.

"You are back the first of September." Santana grew to hate that date. She marked it on her calendar and drew a fat red "X" through it.

Santana wasn't hungry enough to eat anymore of the food in front of her. She excused herself from the table and went into the living room. Max was watching television from the floor, propped up on pillows and his elbows. He seemed quite comfortable where he was but when Santana sat down on the couch, he scrambled up and sprawled into her lap.

"Is it true?" He asked, not taking his eyes off the screen. "Mommy says you're leaving. You're not leaving, are you, Santy?" Santana stroked his hair. She could tell that he was sleepy and this probably wasn't a good time to get him riled up.

"I have to go home." She replied. Inside, she wondered if she could even call it that. She'd been happy there a time ago but now...

"Mommy says that you've got a home here." He started sucking his thumb. Instinctively, Santana moved his hand away from his mouth.

"Come on, let's get you to bed." She suggested.

"No." Max resisted. "I don't want you to leave!" He started crying. "I don't want you to leave, San!" Santana tried to calm the now bawling boy but he was inconsolable. His mother peeked into the living room to see what was going on but Santana gave her a reassuring smile. She nodded in understanding and went back to cleaning the kitchen. She let him cry into her lap, his small hands fisted in her shirt. It didn't take long for him to cry himself into exhaustion. When he finally fell asleep in her lap, Santana scooped him up in her arms and carried him upstairs. She tucked him into bed where he mumbled something and curled into a ball, his thumb in his mouth again. Santana pulled it away gently before placing a kiss on his forehead. She looked around at his room. Max loved airplanes, he vowed to be a pilot someday so naturally his room was themed so. He had airplane wallpaper, airplane comforters and toys scattered around his room. As Santana scooped up his belongings and put them in place, she felt a slight pang of regret leaving him. She'd been such an integral part of his life, making him lunch, picking him up and dropping him off, playing with him and such. She couldn't help but feel like she was abandoning him.