Dear Jack

Letter 4 Using New Found Skills

Dear Jack,

                    It was lovely to see you in the summer, particularly as summer in this rain soaked country doesn't last very long.

The train journey up was a bloody nightmare; your grandmother insisted we sit in one of those 'silent' carriages, ones where people can't play music or use their mobile phones. That's fine as far as it goes, but they all get so bloody bored that they fall asleep. Talk about snoring!! it's like being in the back of a pig transport on the way to market! What's worse is that it is the furthest away from the buffet car, so no chance of a sly snifter while your grandmother is in the loo.

I am pleased your skills are developing, you are walking, after a fashion, and almost talking, I will get to that, but let's deal with the walking first. I notice you fall over quite a lot, nothing wrong with that, if you can learn to fall safely, it will serve you well when you get to University. There is nothing worse than falling over on the way home from the pub and breaking the glasses you have just stolen. No, let me reword that; misappropriated. It is an important economic lesson to learn, a few visits to pubs, Starbucks, and the odd Indian restaurant, and you should be able to fulfill all your crockery needs for the term, free. The beer can be used as one of your five-a-day, or in my case, four of them, and you can satisfy your parents that you are eating healthily.

As far as talking is concerned, I get the impression you are struggling a little. You can only use the word 'dick' on so many occasions, I am not sure whether you are referring to your father, or to the guy attempting to cut your hair. Anyway, don't worry, when you come down in October I will teach you some useful words, when your parents are not around.

I was a little disappointed when your father told me how well you were getting on at nursery, he seemed pleased that you ate without fuss, I would prefer it if you ate without cutlery. There is no better lesson to be learned than to be thrown out of places, I myself have been thrown out of some of the best. Anyhow, I will think up some good ways for you to annoy the nursery maids, (I thought they worked on farms making butter)

Anyway, have to go, Jack, your grandmother is wittering on about me 'getting off the bloody computer for a change). There's no satisfying some people, I got changed when I had a bath in March!

See you soon, all my love.

Grandpa Owain