BEASTLY

xvii. proud

Scott Hoying

To say that life was stressful would be an understatement. I was up at school until ten or eleven for musical production and often found myself spending the night with Tori so I wouldn't have to be far from FFAA. Between production and grades, I had to be on my A game. And I was, without a doubt. I always strive to be the best and to turn in the best work, and to never do anything less. In fact, I was so much ahead in school that I was actually graduating early. A December graduation seemed kind of odd, yes, but I wanted to do it. I actually wanted to do it for dad.

I wanted to help him financially. He thinks the only think keeping this family afloat is his alternative business, but it's only keeping us under the surface, drowning slowly and only able to come up for air every so often. Our lungs collapsed quite quickly, but always inflated when a sum of money would pile in. Well, my life was benefited. Dad's life... Not so much. But he sought after my well being, so I owed him my life. Before I thought about college and making a living for myself came my thought of supporting my dad. I was going to get a job in some sort of warehouse and work as much as I could, as many hours as possible, just to help keep him afloat. He'd be alone as soon as I go to college, and I don't know if I could handle that.

He didn't approve of my idea. I told him about it at the start of my senior year, and he thought it was silly. He thought that I should finish the full year at FFAA, get an inevitable full ride to UCLA (maybe?) and get the hell outta dodge. He didn't want me to stay here. He didn't want me involved.

I've always known about his business. His clients weren't so quiet, coming near our apartment at young hours in the night and dealing drugs, collecting money. The people he dealt with weren't always quiet about it. They'd sometimes yell at him for not getting what they wanted on time, or would think they were cheating him. Some even thought he was stealing from them, claiming he didn't have enough and was using. But I know my dad well enough to know he doesn't use. He definitely is an alcoholic, but he doesn't use.

We would see less and less of each other as the days went on. We would share the occasional text or phone call to keep each other posted on our lives. I would always be the one with the stories to tell, and he'd be the one to react proudly and avoid my questions when I asked how things were going in his life. Sure, he had his job at the office, but it was it cutting it. Especially since they're considering laying him off. He hasn't told me that, but that's what I am assuming based on the phone calls I have heard between him and his boss. It's a sad life, but I do know one thing.

He cares about me more than I will ever fathom. And that's all that matters to me.

I was delighted to see him in the house during every single showing of Sweeney Todd. He sat in a different seat each night, claiming that he "likes to see the show from multiple angles to get the full experience." I don't blame him, honestly. He would tell me how stunning my character was from every single seat in the house, and how proud he was of me. He was proud.

And my mother would be proud of me, too. I don't have to have her confirmation to know it. I can feel it - I can feel her, and it makes me strive to be a better person. It makes me try harder, and to make sure everything I do would make her be proud; then again, she would argue against it and say that everything I do, regardless of what it is, would make her proud. So, I continued living like she wanted me to. The head on my shoulders wouldn't waver, despite what was going on in my dad's alternative life.

After the musical was over I kind of felt empty. Life was strolling to an end here at FFAA as December approached fast and furiously, and I was nervous. I wouldn't be leaving Tori behind, though, so that was one benefit towards moving on. I was nervous because I only had a short amount of time before I needed to go off to college. My dad wouldn't see me staying here long. In fact, he knew about me graduating early. He knew about my intentions and absolutely hated it. So, he told himself that I was doing this to save up money for when I went off to college.