BEASTLY

xxv. winterbreak

yaaay double chapter (:

Just in case you've forgotten, poor Mitch/Julian is colorblind in his new state.

Mitch Grassi

Three AM and there wasn't a sound in the house, yet I was wide awake. I hadn't entirely remembered how I ended up in my bed, but I know I didn't walk myself there. Scott must have had something to do with it. It was embarrassing, him having to take me to my room. I couldn't even make it through an entire movie. I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. Truth be told, I'm shocked that I even fell asleep in the first place. I hardly ever sleep much anymore. This was typically my routine every night. It seems I became an insomniac with this curse, and I hadn't become adjusted to it. Yet I had to fill my time that I remained awake, so I found myself roaming the house while everyone slept. One of my favorite things to do was to finally get out of these clothes that hid my body from the world. No one came to the pool at three in the morning, and I spent my time swimming and getting my body moving. Other times I just laid in the pool and hoped my body would sink to the bottom, but that wish never comes true. I always prevent myself from staying down there too long. I fear the unknown. But when I went to the pool, I would strip down completely, knowing that the only eyes who would see my body would be me, and I let the cool water electrify my veins. I decided to do this very thing tonight. My self loathing had become at an all time high and I needed something to bring me back, though I'd given myself an inevitable ending. Naomi and Avi would never get what I hoped for them. I'd be stuck like this. 

The water was colder than normal this morning. It sent chills down my spine and urged me to tread further until my body was completely submerged under the water, just my head above the surface. My body felt normal under the water, and I could feel my muscles, as small and not toned as they were, treading in the deep end. I let my entire body dip underneath, the feeling almost removing the scars from my body.

Before I could get too comfortable and relaxed, a door creaked open, causing every muscle in my body to tense. I sunk against the wall, hiding myself in hopes that whomever had made their way in the pool house wouldn't notice me there. The new addition to the room had loud footsteps, walking into my view.

Scott.

He stood there, making eye contact with me. His eyes drew towards the bench on the side of the pool where every bit of my clothes lay, next to a towel. He knew I was naked under the water, and I only hoped and prayed he'd leave. But what he did next made me as still as stone. Maybe it was the bit of champagne we had, or maybe it was regular courage, but he stripped himself of his clothes. I watched his every move until it came to his boxers, which he slowly begun to pull off. I looked away, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. I only looked back once I heard water, finally seeing his tall body submerged under the water. His stomach and chest disappeared as he approached me, keeping his space.

I don't know what came over me in that moment, but I discovered something. Here I was, completely naked under the water. Here he was, doing the same thing. I was bearing my entire body, though I didn't have a choice. Well, I suppose I did. I didn't have to get naked in a pool. But it's not every night that someone else comes down to the pool at three in the morning. Something called him down here. He, too, was bearing his entire body, though our lower halves were hidden. That was the least of my concerns. It was that he was showing his vulnerability. Sharing it with me. We are most vulnerable when we have absolutely nothing to hide behind.

"You asked me about why I liked music. What's so special about it?" He nodded, understanding what I meant. He knew I had a better answer. "Music takes thought. It takes time and patience. First I start out with an idea... I'm giving birth to new life. A melody. A little idea, waiting to be hatched. I turn this melody into harmonies, giving the little idea some personality. Sometimes the personality is enlightening, sometimes daunting. And then I give the idea a home. A beat. Some flair. Some underlying patterns to keep it afloat. A home. Chords. Alignment. Safety. Security. My music represents what I don't have in life. And I can express it in any way I want, whether it be making my own, or taking someone else's music and making it personal. Have you heard Winterbeak by MUNA?" He nodded quietly, remaining still.

"There's a constant beat flowing with the music. It almost sounds like a woodblock of sorts. It's like a heartbeat. And the lyrics... the poetry. You know poetry. This artist is hypnotizing with her lyrics. Oh, it's magnetic, isn't it? / The sense of something underneath the surface / When you're laying on thin ice / Just a little bit masochistic / A tentative ellipses / The parting of your lips and the ache in your eyes / But I think I'm gonna kiss you. It's like... we're all just trying to get back to that 'first high' feeling. It's an honest endeavor, however futile.

"You get the poetry. I get this poetry. And it's like the blood that runs through my veins, if I even have any more blood in this damn body. But it's so, so beautiful." By this time I had tears flowing down my cheeks, staining my scars. "And I know you've heard the old 'universal language' bull shit. Well, it is a language. You understand it, too. I can speak to anyone through music. Everyone could listen to the same thing and take it their own way. It's all free interpretation, but the language is mystifying. It's so beautiful."

He'd moved much closer to me now, the lack of space becoming more evident. My heart was leaping out of my chest with anxiety. It was such a familiar feeling, this closeness, yet I felt like I didn't know it all too well. His feet could touch the ground here, though I was still treading water. He gently took one of my wrists, maintaining his distance under the water, and drew his face in close to mine, slowly. And then his lips touched mine ever so gently, as if asking for permission to press even further. This touch was familiar, yet more electrifying than any kiss I've ever shared with someone. It was scary, but I pressed my lips a little harder on his, letting him know that I was accepting it.

And within a second I instantly regret it. He pulled away from me, sensing the hesitation underneath his lips, and he drew one hand up to my cheek, wiping away a tear that still sat, taking its time trickling down my cheek. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see his expression. "Julian. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."

He sensed my lack of sureness of the situation, the water pushing against my body as he moved away from me. I opened my eyes and was attacked with light. Things looked a bit differently now. It was frightening, causing me to gasp loud enough for him to hear. He turned back around, immediately heading towards me. "Are you okay?" Blue. Bright, beautiful blue. I could see blue again. Blonde. Brown freckles scattered across pale skin. I could see all of it. Different hues laced my vision, restoring everything that was taken away from me. I could see color again.

"B-blue... your eyes are blue."