BEASTLY

xxi. me without you

Just in case you weren't aware, Liz (Just4Shiggles08) writes all of Scott's poetry. It's super flawless, just like her. Send her some love. <3 I'm so glad you're all enjoying Beastly.

Also, my playlist for this book really gets me places. I feel so angsty. Also, make sure you're listening to the videos I post. If you haven't heard the one I've posted today, you'll flip out.

Mitch Grassi

Being behind my computer was something I'd missed quite badly. I feel like I lost a part of myself for awhile, being under this horrendous spell. I found myself acting rather lifeless, and it was so depressing. If I was to stay like this, I may as well make myself productive and make some music.

The alternative option to my sought after future career of being on Broadway (which I don't stand a chance in this skin anyway) was being a DJ or something of the sort. I listened to a lot of music and had a big enough library to start mixing songs. I liked creating different types of beats and mashing songs together that you would never think stood a chance next to each other. And, often times, I'd make my own music. About a week ago was when I decided to use an alias and post some of my stuff on YouTube. I hadn't posted anything yet, but I decided on the name 'Mitch King.' A queen never reveals her secrets.

I decided to start working on this one piece. It had so many different meanings to it. It would be the first bit of music that I added my own vocals to it. In my past life I'd say that I had the most amazing voice. Now, I guess I needed a bit of reassurance. So, I wrote some lyrics out. They seemed pretty shitty, but the melody I made up for them to go with sounded pretty sick.

Woke up in an empty bed / Tossing and turning / The thoughts won't leave my head

I wake up every damn morning with this face. These thoughts of my inevitable future haunt every fiber of my being. I won't ever stop waking up and being this. I'm Julian, I guess. It makes it easier to give this new part of me a name. I've officially personified my beast... or is it my old self that has been personified?

I never thought I could fall / I never thought I could fall / I'm always the one who can't give it my all

I was invincible. Mitch was invincible. He could be anything he wanted. Do anything he wanted. Sure, he had things that pulled him down at home, but he could flip a switch and forget everything. Nothing could stop him. No person could knock him down. Except now I find myself down on the ground, dirt on my pants, and my heart full of black. The old personification now has an ugly face and an ugly name. I'm not Julian. Julian never will be. I'm always Mitch. He is me and I am him.

Love is the perfect pain / This won't go away / This won't go away

The witch took one of my main weaknesses and made it the most painful part of my life. I had mere weeks before I had to find someone to love. It's painful to think that I have to find someone to love me when I can't even love myself. This pain won't go away. Knowing I can't find love leaves me alone. I'll forever be beastly.

I can't breathe, I can't see / There is no me without you, baby

I can't walk without feeling my lack of life. I'm merely existing. Some nights I find myself choking on the oxygen that I can't swallow. I've shattered all of the mirrors in the house so I've begun to doubt that my body is even here. As much as I try to separate myself from this beast, I can't. There is no me without the beast.

That's all I had to this point. The lyrics that summed up my life were hard to write, considering I always got stuck. I was at an inevitable point where I simply couldn't write. I wanted to write... but nothing came out. So, I decided to make the music up to this point. It kept me busy and it sounded okay. I even added my own voice and maybe I even liked it at one point... but it never fails. I ended up close to deleting it when I heard a knock on the door. I froze and didn't turn my head, but I did quickly lift my hood before tilting my body so I could somewhat be facing the door.