She Was Here . . .

Chapter 6

Needles to say, I run for quite some time. It's evening by the time I end up at the park.

Truthfully, I hardly go anywhere near places where I will see lots of people. Where I will see conceited teenagers, happy couples, toddlers playing with their mothers and the list goes on. But here I am, totally unaware that I have just walked myself into a trap.

As I walk further into the park, I take a deep breath. This time I really am glad to breathe in the fresh air. My lungs are still working hard, fighting for a breath and my heart is still ferociously banging at my ribs. I have just realised how weak I have become for an average guy. Gone are the times when I would have hit the gym five times a week, or ran for an hour in the mornings. Nowadays I hardly step out the house, and I am paying the price for that.

I settle down on a nearby bench. I sit until my aching muscles, from all that running, start to relax. My body doesn't feel tense anymore and my mind is finally at peace.

So I get up, walking further into the heart of the huge park. I have just realised, that nature calms me, the air is much cooler and way less polluted. Although I still occasionally see people walk past me, it is starting to get dark meaning that they will eventually leave. And for once, I am glad that I chose to come here. Being away from the hustle and bustle of the city, the park feels welcoming.

Slowly, my mind starts to drift off. I begin to recall, when ten years ago, I came to this very park every evening. It was always my mother, I and my younger sister Stella, going on long walks around this park. She was four at the time and had just started pre school. At the end of school, we would be waiting at the school gate, hand in hand, for mother to pick us up. I remember how her tiny face would brighten up whenever she would see mother at the gate, waving at her frantically. Then there were times when I would sneak up behind her and shout 'boo!'. She would get startled every time and then burst into fits of laughter.

She was the best sister in the world and our family was the happiest of all. However, little did we all know that the future had something entirely different in store for us.

When Stella reached the age of six, she faced the biggest cruelty any human could face. She died the most miserable death.

My vision blurs with unshed tears at the horrific memory.

But I know better than to go there. The darker sides of my past. Ones that I sealed, locked and trapped, ever so carefully, in a mysterious corner of my brain.

A not so helpful advice of my therapist, Nancy. Because she is totally unaware of the beast that still rules my present life. All it needs is a chance to to tear me up into shreds, a memory to come out into the open, before it digs its claws into my heart. Turning it into a bloody mess.

The untamed beast, as I call it, is my arched enemy: Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

I and my thoughts are brought to a sudden halt when I spot her. Alestine is casually leaning against a tree and looking right at me. Her expressions seem unreadable apart from the creases at her forehead.

For a moment, I stay still, just staring back at her with confusion. Maybe my eyes are deceiving me.

That is until I remember the phone call, the main reason why I ended up here. And then my nostrils flare, my blood boiling underneath my skin. I charge at her, closing the distance between us, and grab her by the shoulders, tightening my grip every second. For a brief moment she appears startled, before meeting my eyes with a questioning look.

"Hey.. Uh.. What's wrong?" she questions.

"Everything. Everything's wrong and it's all your fault! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have to experience this excruciating pain all over again," I cried.

"Look I have no-"

"This might sound all fun and game to you. Like a tourist you can enjoy yourself and then leave all that mess behind. It's my life you are ruining!" I shout, my chest heaving up and down.

Then after letting out all that pent up anger, I run back the way I came. I don't wait for her to reply.

It seems like that's all I will be doing. Running away from the pain. Running away from the past. Hiding away and waiting for all this 'bad luck' to pass off.

I come across the same bench that I sat on before, then fall back into that old position.

The sky is now full of that orange city glow, with no stars like you would see at a country side.

Although this is my cue to be returning home, I can't. Not with father waiting for me, probably wanting to question exactly what caused me to behave the way I did. And then ask me where I went.

No I can't tell him anything. Not when he would just call up the doctor, repeat everything I tell him so that it can all be recorded.

They treat me like a specimen.

I feel the voices taking over my mind. Instead of fighting them, I close my eyes. Drowning in my own destructive thoughts.

'It's all your fault.'
'Stop blaming others.'
'If only you weren't such a horrible brother or a horrible son.'
'You are a murderer.'
'You killed your innocent sister and your loving mother.'
'Jacob is right. You are such a-'

"Jayden.."

'You are such a-'

"Jayden!"

I snap my eyes open.

There she is again. Standing right in front of me.

I quickly get up to leave when her hand reaches for my shoulder and she pushes me back onto the bench with her 'surreal strength'. Taken aback yet again, I don't dare move a muscle.

"Don't listen.." Alestine says.

Huh?

"Don't listen to those thoughts. They may sound loud and clear but they are only false statements. Never be deceived by them."

With that, she spins around and walks off as if she didn't just talk to me a second ago.

I feel as though someone has just hacked into all my social media accounts. And they know my deepest darkest secrets. Leaving me vulnerable and weak.

All of a sudden, I start feeling drowsy with sleep. So I decide that it's finally time to head home.

If I had stayed there any longer, I may have just dozed off on the bench.

Author's note:

Omg, this may just be my favourite chapter so far! What did you guys think about it? Anything you liked or didn't like? Anything that made you feel emotions or perhaps ticked you off? Please let me know in the comments. (Constructive criticism also welcome!)

Oh and feel free to vote! You know.. The button is right there.