Remember | The Mortal Instruments AU

Chapter Fifteen: Half Empty

1 month later

Things got worse before they got better. But I doubted they'd ever get better.

I stopped leaving the institute, except to kill demons- my one calling in life; the one thing to keep me grounded.

I shut myself off from everyone even more than before. I shut myself off from feeling anything.

I don't know why I did it- maybe it was the fact that Clary would be eighteen this year. I don't know why eighteen seemed so important to me. A lot of people consider eighteen to be the age you become an adult but Clary- in her own way, had already been an adult, had took on the weight of the world and not allowed it to crush her.

I guess it was just that it'd be official. Clary would be an adult- which meant children, jobs... a husband. I didn't expect Clary to automatically get all of those just because of her age but mundanes were like Shadowhunters in this; we wanted to find the one as soon as possible.

Which meant Clary would have to find the one in some boring mundane... what would he look like? Me? Or the opposite? Did some small part remember the way I looked?

Of course not, that irritating voice was back.

Clary dominated my every thought and it was torture. Maybe that's why things got worse; being reminded of the love of your life in every waking second was not letting me live.

If she were here right now...

She'd put her hand on mine, look me in the eyes and then slap me.

"What are you doing?" She'd demand from me. What could I tell her? Oh, I kind of found it impossible to live without you? That every single thought of mine is you? That your hair and eyes haunt my dreams?

"I... honestly don't know," I actually say out loud because in all honesty, I had no idea what I was doing anymore.

"Jace- what did I tell you before I left?"

I smirk and say, "I have been in love with you since the moment I met you?" I know she doesn't mean that but I couldn't help myself.

"Jace," she looks at me with her eyebrows lifted and she's trying to make a serious face. Emphasis on the 'trying'.

So I drop the smirk and look downwards, not being able to meet her eyes as I say, "Please be happy, for me. I need you to keep moving, to keep going on with life," and had I done that? No I'd let her down.

"You haven't let me down," my head jerks up. I hadn't realised I'd said that out loud. She repeats, "You haven't let me down but you deserve better for yourself Jace, remember me but don't let it crush you. It's okay to have fun, to enjoy life without me," her green eyes were glistening with love and her fiery hair was shimmering down her shoulders. It almost seemed to be... flowing?

As realisation dawns on me, my eyes open and my body jerks up. I hadn't realised I'd fallen asleep.

I don't remember closing my eyes and lying down but here I was on my bed, waking up hours later- hours. The dream had felt like minutes but it'd been hours.

It didn't surprise me that I'd had yet another dream about Clary- what surprised me was how real it had felt and what we'd talked about. Normally my dreams consisted of us being happy in the future, laughing together. Or I dreamt of our memories. But never had I dreamt of her talking to me now, telling me to move on.

Maybe that meant I was near a break down.

Or currently having one.

I hadn't told her about how I didn't know how to live without her- I'd done it before I met her but I hadn't been whole. There'd always been a part of be that felt empty, like I was waiting for something.