Remember | The Mortal Instruments AU

Chapter Twenty: Empty Space

The greenhouse was always the same. The leaf-smelling, cool air hit me straight away, filling my lungs quickly. The medianox plant hadn't yet blossomed and yet it still caught my eye. Still reminded me of lessons with Hodge, Alec and Izzy. But now it also reminds me of Clary. How precious and beautiful they both were- too precious for this world. And that's why neither of them lasted very long, because they were too precious and beautiful. They deserved better.

How she showed me her scar that first time, how willing and easy she found it to show me her skin. The curve of her collarbone that enticed me so deeply I hadn't even expected it. The dusting of freckles over her skin, that hypnotised me.

The first time I kissed her. She was so surprised and yet I couldn't stop myself; the desire was a cascading wave that had destroyed me. Her lips were parted, they'd invited me without necessarily meaning to and yet as soon as our lips had touched, she'd kissed me back with as much passion as I was kissing her with.

I still remember the taste of her lips, the sweetness of them which was emphasised by the trembling of her body. So filled with passion but so scared of it.

How my palms moved up and down her back, unable to stop feeling this goddess that was kissing me back.

How her fingers were twined in my hair, drawing my entire world to those small hands and the pleasure I hadn't expected that they caused from just touching my hair.

I'd never wanted to stop kissing her.

Everything about her drew me to her. Her strength, her fierceness, her ability to love so easily. Which was in so much contrast with me- maybe that's why I'd wanted her. To see what it was like for someone to break down those walls I'd built around myself for years.

I touch the midnight flower and the petals are stiff, like they refuse to blossom yet- which was true, they only blossomed at midnight but it was more than that. It reminded me of... me. I'd refused to break down those walls for years, to anyone except the lightwoods and even then I'd only shown a fraction of myself. Those walls were like this flowers petals. Refusing to move, to let anyone in.

And then something happens, so beautiful and pure that it can't help but let down those petals. That thing had been a person and she'd been Clary. She had stormed into my life and been there for only a minute before she walked back out of that room at pandemonium. But she'd somehow broke through my walls without even realising it. She'd been there for a minute- just like the flower blossomed for a minute and then put its petals back up.

I'd put my walls back up. Except she'd somehow made such an impact on breaking those walls that I couldn't forget her. That she'd made an indent on those walls- an indent I couldn't ignore.

And so I went looking for her, looking for the only person in the world that could break through so easily and quickly. I wanted it to happen again and again, that's why I went looking for her. I wanted to feel like someone truly- truly knew me.

So when I found her, I let her in. And every time she broke the walls down, it was incredible to me. Just like when the flower blossomed every night.

Izzy once told me that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe I wanted to see how long that feeling of... being would last. To see if it would some day go away. That she wouldn't have that effect on me anymore.

But it never happened. She'd always break down those walls and so I'd realised this, and she tore the walls down. So much so that I couldn't build them back up.

Maybe that was my greatest mistake. Showing too much for too long. Maybe that's what would happen when the flower died- all the petals would leave and never blossom again. Because it'd let those petals down and as much as it tried, it wouldn't get that back.