Cutthroat Reviews - Can You Survive the Challenge?

The Killer's Game

WARNING:
I know it took me forever to finish this review, and I sincerely apologize for that. It took me a while to get through this one, so prepare yourself for a disjointed but harsh review. You knew what you signed up for! Just don't forget that I still think you're great and awesome for putting your writing out there for critique :)

MOVING ON...

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Author: humanoid183

THE TITLE:
Interesting and seems like it's relevant (mostly). I like it!

THE COVER:
It's not the most aesthetically pleasing, nor does it tell me anything about your story, but the title is there and the author's name, so it's not all bad. I get that a lot of this story takes place in creepy alleyways, I just don't really understand why there needs to be a picture of a dumpster plastered on the cover. Maybe if it was a more artsy dumpster? Do those even exist? I don't know, but the point is that dumpsters don't really make me want to read your story.

THE BLURB:
Short and informative. There's nothing necessarily wrong with it, but I think it could be spiced up a little. It doesn't make me super excited to read your story, it just sort of states some things that are going to happen within the story.

THE FIRST PART:
I read: Chapter One...I think? I'm actually not entirely sure if this is a short story or not, but either way I read the whole thing.

Here we finally go with this review...

My initial reactions were: There are a few weird grammar things, but overall it's not terrible. It's readable, but doesn't initially draw me in.

Your sentence structure can be quite monotonous to read. Statement, statement, statement. I understand that this character is a detective with an analytical mind, but your writing is sort of lifeless. This story felt like it was a big list of things that Meg is doing on this particular day. You're telling me what's going on, but I can't see it in my mind, I can't hear it or smell it. I think this is one of those "show, don't tell" situations.

Random observation: You really! Like to! Use! Exclamation points! At random! And inappropriate! Times! Maybe tone it down a bit? I know I'm a fun-sucking Debbie-downer, but all this excitement still seems a bit excessive.

Also, where are most of these crime scenes? You've listed some random details about them, but I have no idea where they actually are. Most of the time, I wasn't sure if they were inside a building or outside. I'm having a difficult time placing the setting, and that definitely takes me out of the story. I shouldn't be confused about where the characters are.

Pro-tip: Watch out for switching between tenses. One sentence, you're in past tense, and the next your in present tense. It's confusing and jarring, and makes it hard to follow along with the story.

Do you know what thought I couldn't get out of my mind the entire time I was reading this? This isn't how detectives act. I don't think you have extensive knowledge about how a crime scene investigation works. Neither do I, honestly, but it's very obvious that you don't either. A detective that stands around for two hours staring at a painting without collecting a single piece of evidence? That doesn't seem very likely to me. There were so many moments that seemed so inauthentic to me because I kept thinking (okay, maybe screaming out loud) "A detective would never do that!"

I think your story would really benefit from doing at least a little research. I mean, really, a panic button?? Does Meg need life alert? Do detectives actually need panic buttons? I don't think so... but if they do, why did Meg take the time to call the police before instead of just pressing her panic button? Confusing. You need to do research. This makes the whole story less believable.

Okay, and what the hell is wrong with Jason? Three people are murdered in an hour and he greets Meg with a cheery "Good morning!" I was almost beginning to suspect that he was the serial killer with that kind of creepy attitude... Your dialogue comes off as awkward and out of place at times.

Another thing missing from this story: Where are Meg's thoughts and emotions? How does she feel about all this? I have no idea what she's thinking most of the time, and she's supposed to be the narrator. Spice them details up, dude.

And finally, we get to the big climax, and *SPOILER ALERT* it turns out to be her ding-dang brother. Ohhh boy, here we go. I saw this coming from a mile away. When I found out that her brother really turns out to be the killer, I nearly slammed my head onto a desk. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I definitely rolled my eyes way back into my head.

But, really, what the actual hell. Andy being the killer makes no sense. There is no context. There is no background. What is even happening. Where did my pants go. Okay, that last part doesn't have anything to do with your story, but I would still like to know. There is absolutely no context for this random "plot twist." We barely know anything about Meg, the main character, and then you just throw in that her brother is the psycho killer and expect me to just accept that? This story makes my head spin, but not in a good way.

Okay, so we have the killer, but where is the GAME? The title suggests that there's going to be some sort of correspondence going on between the detectives and the killer, but so far (I'm not sure if you're planning on continuing this story) it's just a lot of staring at walls and horrible crime-scene etiquette.

There are so many things I have to say about that ending... But I feel like I've ripped your story apart enough, so I'm just going to leave it at this statement: WHAT? HOW? HUH?

That ending... is that the end? Or are you going to continue this story? Is this a short story? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

I tried so hard to enjoy this story because the premise was pretty awesome, but it was just too hard. Better luck next time?

THE RATING: SUNK

Sorry, friend. It sucks to have to give you this rating, but I had no other choice. Honestly, I think that this story could be totally great! You just need to spend a little more time developing the characters and the setting, and doing a little more research to bring an element of believability to this story. I think you've got a creative and intriguing idea. This story is like the skeleton of what it could be—you just need to add a little meat to it!