Treasure hunt

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Its been about three weeks since I've started therapy and let me tell you this: It's not so bad. It's like having a treasure chest but for your deepest feelings. You pour every foul thing and lock it up. You wont have to worry about it much unless someone else unlocks it instead.

At least, thats what I thought so far.

"Can I be frank with you miss Ruby?"  Dr. Arlo suddenly serious looking deeply into me. This isn't usually him, as far as I could tell, I mean. It was all jokes and talking about childhood and the tv shows that I was quite certain made an impact on me.

I furrow my brows and straighten up on the comfy couch. "well, um, I suppose?" He sighs deeply and a few wrinkles on his forehead appear.  Utterly sad, to see a handsome doctor like Arlo having wifi wrinkles but then again he IS a doctor.  "We need to stop the distractions"

I'm confused.

"You see, all that we've been talking about were all distractions for you and you seem to depend on them for dear life now. As far as I know you still sleep walk and your nightmares are all the same and you never mentioned your brother, yet you're not the one telling me all of this."

"I thought you had patient-doctor confidentiality."

"With you, not your parents. Whatever they tell me, I can tell you. Again with the distractions miss Ruby." I shake my head. A lock of hair falls off my bun as my gaze shifts to the wooden floor. "You need to tell me something that will allow me to help you" He continues. "I want you to feel better emotionally and at some point carry on with your life" A tear strays down my chin while my gaze is still on the floor. I find myself on the edge of my seat with clenched fists.

A long silence fills the air. I'm speechless. Perhaps betrayed and soaked in the sadness I so obviously tried to bury. It comes marching back weighing down my spine, filling my tear ducts and casting my brothers' shadow over me.

I can't speak.

"Tell me about your brother" He chose to tear the silence with this? I look at him, filled with despair and maybe anger yet his eyes are gentle, like a hug from afar. I start with a faint voice "His name was Eric" He patiently waited for me to find the words to continue. "I, well.. He.. He's. Fuck." tears blur out my vision and also my thoughts. I'm so pathetic. He's? he's dead. Thats all he is. I snap "He's fucking dead, I could taste his reeking body as we speak. I did this to him. He died with a fucking branch through him and It's my drunken fault and I have to live with it or try to sleep through it every god damn night" 

He's writing, "How is it your 'drunken fault?'"

I'm thrown back at how calm he is to all of this. "I'm the one that took him out of the house at night, I was too drunk to notice what had happened"

"Exactly, you were too drunk to know what happened so why do you blame yourself so easily?"

"I. Was. Drunk. I. Could. Have. Prevented. It." maybe if I say it slower he'd understand.

"what would you have done different on that night?"

My mind ignited "I-I would've played the game with him, treasure hunt. Maybe in the morning though so I could sober up by the time we played...." I've thought about it so many times it felt weird letting go of those words into the open like that.

"I'm afraid we're out of time but we need to keep at this pace for next time and miss Ruby, out of experience, I've come to a realization that nothing really is in our hands. We can't always be the cause of things. It is also more easier on yourself if you think so too."

Kind of cruel isn't it? To have me open up like that then have me leave the room when the time was over. I'm still dazed by all of it. I can't speak. My legs can barely carry me. I find my parents in the waiting room. A look of concern over their eyes but they stay quiet on the way towards the car and then to the house. They tried to sneak a couple of questions in about what happened in there but my jaw was too clenched.

I leave the house as soon as we arrive. I secure the hoodie over my head and place the headphones in my ears and start to the nearest Ice cream shop. It always calms me down.

I get to a small baskin robins on a strip and order my usual; a scoop of chocolate and mint with some almonds on top. I was the only one sitting inside up until I see a boy with shoulder length hair, some strands were in a failed bun. Chestnut brown. Sounds wrong of me to call him a boy because he looks like the art of man himself. A light beard. His tall handsome self orders but nothing audible as my headphones are on playing a radiohead song. As he waits for the order he finds me eyeing him. At this moment my insides panic and so I "busy" myself on the phone obviously pretending not to pay attention.

It didn't work because now he's sitting right in front of me on my table looking me directly in the eye.