Treasure hunt

11

"I just want to understand the core behind you saying all this okay Ruby?" He starts reading off his notepad furrowing his brows "You said and I quote 'I know it took me a while to come back, I was too scared' what do you mean by that because I feel that you didn't really elaborate?" 

I sigh. 

The first thing he told me when he saw me was a somewhat nervous welcome back which I find weird because Dr. Arlo never really expresses his feelings unless they were positive or supportive ones. Then I tell him what happened, why I disappeared and now he's .... well. I don't know. Does he know I'm onto him? 

Feeling too formal about it I bunch myself on the couch and wrap my arms around my knees "If you mean why I was scared then I think it's obvious, you're a therapist for a reason right? I mean why don't you have a proper guess, let's see if you get it right" 

Yet again, he expresses a negative feeling. He sighs as if he's not liking the game I'm playing. "Why is it that you were willing to tell me everything about what happened but not really about how you felt about it?"

"I hate talking about it" 

"Yet you came to see me today" He seemed impatient.

I tense up a little, my feet touch the floor, my shoulders perk up. This is so unlike him it's frightening. 

Another sigh. "Ruby, I'll ask you a few questions that I need you to answer. It's vital." 

I nod. More anxious. 

"Now, I know I've asked some of the following questions a bunch of times during our session but I need you to actually consider your answer this time. Why do you think your dream took you back into that place?" 

The jolt into the past sent waves of electricity down my spine, I don't want to remember. I never do, it's too painful. I sense the tears escape my tear ducts this time. 

"I need to know Ruby" urging.

"I think, it's a reminder of what I've done" 

"But, Eric took you all the way to the cliff to forgive you, don't you think there is more to it than a reminder?"

Confused, "More to it? how?" 

He gets more and more impatient with me his wifi wrinkles on his forehead crease up "Your subconscious decided to make a turn of events, at 2 am you were usually in the back yard digging something up; a deflated football, cigarettes, all those sorts but this time after an intense session with me it takes you to the scene of the crime" I wince at the end. Eric's dead face pops up. "With your brother saying it wasn't your fault before he fell. Can you notice what it's trying to tell you?" 

He said it wasn't my fault before he fell. What if, it actually wasn't my fault, what if I already knew it all but it was somewhere in my damaged brain? "My subconscious knows things." 

alas, a smile from Dr. Arlo. 

It's 2 am, I'm on my bed, heavily perspired, gasping for every molecule of air. 

Its him.