Wrecked

The girl who was forgiven

"What if we were reversed, would you blame me?"

His question shocked me, causing my eyes to open wide- something I regretted immediately. He held me so close, his eyes only stirring up more unwanted emotions as they bore into mine.

Would I blame him?

"Would you blame me for finding a dying lady, doing what her dying wish was and then accepting protection for your own government? Would you blame me for trying my best to make sure that no one else was going to die? Blame me for deaths that were completely out of my control, that I didn't even know were going to happen? Deaths that I couldn't have stopped without ignoring a dying lady? Would you blame me?"

He was yelling at me know, his hands dropping from my face causing me to stumble backwards slightly. We were both on our feet now, him pacing slightly as he ran his fingers threw his hair. Why was this causing so much pain to show on his face? Why was I having this effect on him.

His stopped his pacing suddenly, snapping back to face me- his eyes filled with a wild fire.

"Would. You. Blame. Me." Each word he took a step towards me, until his chest was pressed up against mine. I knew my answer and the look in his eyes told me that he knew too. "Say it." He all but growled at me, challenging me to say the words aloud.

"No." I whispered, my word weak and unsure as if it were a question. I didn't need him to think he had gotten to me.

"No what?" He pushed further, his chest shoving against mine as his nostrils flared.

"No I wouldn't blame you!" I exclaimed, my words coming out in a hurried yell- the anger finally taking over me. "I wouldn't blame you, but that doesn't change anything!"

My words brought a glimmer of a smile to Jesse's eyes, his lips puckering slightly in amusement.

"That changes everything, you just can't accept the truth." He stated simply, he took a small step away from me before he sat back down on the bed. He looked pleased, but like there was still more that he needed to accomplish.

"It doesn't change anything." I repeated, dropping back onto the log I leant forward to finish up my stitches but his hands held out to stop me.

"Don't do this to yourself. If we were reversed right now, I know that you wouldn't stop fighting until I forgave myself- you know it's true." His hand grabbed onto mine, jerking me closer to him so that I had no choice but to pay attention. "Why can't you see what everyone else sees?"

What everyone else sees? They are all blinded by lies, they have no idea what I did to get them all here. They follow me because they believe I'm protecting them out of the goodness of my heart. They had no idea the monster that I am. And I was too much of a coward to ever change that.

Them being clueless was my best hope right now for them to keep listening to me. I knew that whether this crash was my fault or not I would have stepped up in the way that I already was, but this need to redeem myself was fuelling me to keep going. I feed off it when I hadn't eaten, I dug into it when I hadn't slept.

The blame I had placed on myself was what was keeping me and everyone else alive, because without it I would be too weak and would have just given in to the first obstacle in my way. Deep down I knew it was unhealthy but that what a therapist would be for when I made it back home. If I ever made it back home.

Jesse was still holding onto my arm, persistent to get me to see things his way. I couldn't afford to, not right now.

"Why won't you just leave me alone Jesse! I don't need this- what ever this is." I snapped, pulling my arm away from him as I roughly shoved his shirt aside to finish what I had started. The quicker I got this done the sooner I could get away from this infuriating boy.