RIVER→ Sodapop Curtis

015

[this chapter is going to be a long one, but one that is extremely meaningful. possible foreshadows also, so keep an eye out.]

"don't you say, don't you say it. one breath it'll just break it."

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Journal Entry #532

date written: stormy November night/November 2nd/2 days after my falling in the woods/tomorrow bowling 

when I talk about falling in love, my mother goes quiet. she tells me loving shouldn't be synonymous to falling. Tells me to walk with love instead of falling into it. 

My mother says that loving shouldn't hurt, that you shouldn't have to cut off your wings to land into it. But Mother, how can I love without hurting, without peeling my skin to show all the fragile? 

Mother, I've been taught that love means falling off of rooftops for them, throwing yourself in front of buses for them.

I've been taught that love feels like your lungs when air gets knocked out of them, like your eyes when they sting.

Mother when I was six, they taught me that a boy who hurts you probably likes you. Mother, when I was six I believed them. 

I believed that love is when he trips you in playgrounds, tugs at your hair in class. 

Mother, the first time I loved it felt too much like falling and too little like learning how to fly. It felt like plucking the wings out of my own back. It felt like being pushed over a cliff a thousand times over. 

Mother, every love since then has been a disappointment, has been the feeling before a car crashes, has been the brakes that hit so hard you slam your head against the windshield. Every love since then has been so much drowning, has been trying to breathe when you know you shouldn't. 

Mother, when a love doesn't hurt it doesn't feel real. 

When a love doesn't hurt it leaves me with so much empty, so much numb. 

Is it love if doesn't make you cry?

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"You ready to lose?" Steve spoke as he started flexing his muscles, making me roll my eyes. Soda started chuckling behind me at his cocky best friend.

"You won't be saying that when I start getting strikes back to back." I sassed, picking up a bowling ball. 

"I'm so confident in this, I'm even willing to bet money. Twenty dollars." He announced, holding out the money. 

I raised my eyebrows. "Put your money where your mouth is and you might not have as much confidence."

[creds to robin on that]

Soda started whistling from behind me. "Man, Steve, you're getting flamed by KoKo-Puffs." 

Steve rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, so you in or not?"