Tobias - after Allegiant ✔

5

I wake with a start. My back is wet with sweat and my head aches. When I get up it feels like my brain falls to the front side of my skull.
   
I walk to the kitchen to get some pain medication. I think I'll stay home from work for one day.
   
"Good morning, Tobias."
   
I look up and search for an object to hit the invader. My mother stands by the counter. When I realize it's her I relax.
   
"Mom," I groan. "Please don't do that again. Just because you have the keys of my apartment doesn't mean you can come in whenever you want to."
   
"Come on, I made breakfast for you," she says. She ignores what I said completely.
   
"I'm not hungry. I'm just going to get pain medication and go back to bed."
   
"It's unhealthy to stay in bed all day."
   
"Mom. I have a headache. Leave me alone."
   
"You have a headache because you didn't eat for so long. You eat your breakfast and I'll leave you alone."
   
"Mom, I'm. Not. Hungry."
   
She holds up the box with the medication I want. I try to grab it, but she doesn't let me. She takes one pill and puts it in the bowl with muesli. Then she makes sure it doesn't lie on top.
   
"There you go," she says and she gives me the bowl. I sigh and take it. "Good."
   
I take a bit, not wanting to. Pain shoots up through my nose and I pinch the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut.
   
"Did you put ice cubes in it or something?" I ask. "It's freezing cold and doesn't help at all."
   
"Maybe the refrigerator is too cold."
   
I turn to the refrigerator and push some buttons. Then I take a fork and try to get the pill without the cold yoghurt. Evelyn sighs, but doesn't say anything about it. When I find it I put the bowl away.
    
"Tobias," starts Evelyn, "I really worry about you."
    
I just look at her.
   
"When was the last time you ate properly?"
   
"Yesterday morning," I answer.
   
"That one doesn't count, since you puked after that."
   
I sigh. "What do you plan to do about it? Tie me to a chair and force me to eat?"
   
"Did you look in the mirror somewhere in the past few years? Where is the boy I used to know?"
   
"There. On top of the shelf," I say and I point at the urn with Tris's ashes.
   
Evelyn sighs. "Tobias, it's been three years. Three years, and you can't even get yourself to eat and meet others? She was just a girl..."
   
"Don't you dare," I growl. "Don't you dare."
   
"It's the truth, Tobias."
   
"No, it's not! She wasn't just a girl. Just because you didn't like her for some reason nobody knows, doesn't mean you speak the truth."
   
"She destroyed you! Just look at yourself. You're nothing more than skin and bone."
   
"That isn't her fault!" I feel the tears stream down my cheeks, but I don't wipe them away. "She couldn't know there would be a man waiting for her with a gun."
   
"I just want what's best for you."
   
"Do you?" I scoff. "Well, if you could bring Tris back from the death I would really appreciate it."
   
I take the urn from the shelf and place it in front of Evelyn. She sighs and looks away.
   
"Please go home," I say softly. She doesn't move. "Mom, I just want to be alone right now, okay?"
   
She nods, presses a kiss to my cheek and walks to the door. The moment I hear the door close, I fall down on my knees and cry. I cling to the urn to my chest and rock myself back and forth as the tears continue falling.
   
When Christina stopped me from taking the memory serum three years ago, I was relieved. I thought at that moment I would be able to mend, that I would be able to pick up the pile of human being I was until I was a whole person again. But I was wrong, I was so wrong. I was like a broken vase, all the pieces all over the floor. Sometimes people manage to find all the pieces and glue them together. The cracks may be still visible, but you're standing upright.
   
But sometimes the vase shattered in too many and too small pieces, and then you can't glue them. I tried to collect all the pieces, I really did, but there are too many missing and the ones I found are too small. So here I am, like a few pieces vase and hunk glue from my attempts to repair.
   
Sometimes I wonder how I got this damaged. Her death can't be the only reason, I don't believe it is. I think it started long before. When the attack on Abnegation started, or even earlier, when my father hit me with his belt for the first time.
   
With shaking hands I place the urn back. My head pounds and I feel like I might puke.
   
Someone knocks on the door.
   
"Go away," I say with a strained voice.
   
"No," someone says on the other side of the door. I don't open it, hoping that whoever is there goes away. "If you don't open I'll kick the door in."
   
I sigh and push myself up from the floor. I shuffle toward the door and open it. I couldn't even see who it was before they walk inside.
   
"You sent your mother away?" asks Christina. "Wow, you look horrible."
   
"Are you starting with this too? By the way, since you know I sent my mother away you should've realized that I wouldn't want to see you either. I want to be alone."
   
"She was kind of... upset. Your mother, I mean."
   
I scoff.
   
"It's still your mother."
   
"Christina, don't meddle in this."
   
"Your mother involved me in this."
   
"Then she probably didn't tell the whole story," I say.
   
"No matter where I stand, I'll still think it's strange to send your mother away!" she says angry.
   
"She called her 'just a girl'! What was I supposed to do then? Say: 'You're right. I'll forget about her in an hour?'" The tears were gone, but they are back again. I look away to make sure Christina doesn't see them.
   
"What?" she asks in shock.
   
"Is it still strange I sent her away?" I ask coldly. "Next time, please ask for the whole story before choosing a side. That way we can avoid situations like this. Can you please go now? I want to be alone."
   
Christina sighs. "All right. But tomorrow I'll come back and I'll make a real dinner for you. And there's no way to turn me down."
   
I roll my eyes. "Why does everybody nag about that? It's not like I'm dying or something."
   
"I'm not so sure anymore. But I'll ask Cara when I see her in a few weeks. But anyway..." She gives me a quick hug. "Rest up, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, Zeke told me to tell you he's sorry. About the day before yesterday."
   
"Yeah, sure," I say sighing. "See you tomorrow, Christina."