Infestation

Introduction

There are these ideas that folks have about eating disorders, stuff that most people believe and stuff that most people think about when they're brought up. The stereotypes you've all heard of and seen. I mean mainly it's stuff like
-Girl is bullied for being fat

-Starts skipping a few meals

-Runs for hours

-Loses weight

-Ends up in the hospital after two weeks

-Recovers and lives happily

Really, these are rare cases in the world of eating disorders per se. You very rarely see such a case anymore. At least from what I've experienced. Eating disorders are more complex illnesses, and they change and morph; they take different forms and then they sneak up on you, as well as white middle class females aren't the only ones affected for sure. I mean most are actually minorities. I'm just a dude with some issues here and there, and if I was the poster child for anorexia, I'd be recovered by now. Let's just say the recovery process is long, difficult, and really sucks man. I've tried it before, twice now, and just fell deeper into the illness both times. There does come a time where things find their way out. It's a long, long progress to find the peace, and even once its' found, there'll be something that destroys it.

I've wanted to document my life with this, to shed light on these disorders, because truthfully, they are so vast and so diverse, and it can change more than you'd like it to. I started to develop this when I was seven years of age, and it's progressed into something far greater, but really, even in this. I try to find the humor through the sadness, as without laughing about my problems, I'd probably have killed myself by now.

I'm not saying that eating disorders are to be joked about, but without the sick humor I found, I would've been so much more miserable than I am. So bear with me and the sick humor I entail.

Being sick means that sometimes coping is the hardest thing to do, especially with just food on the mind, and really, that's what sucks. When all you think about is food, it causes a lot of mishaps and a lot of obsession with stuff you'd prefer to not be all obsessed about. The first few years I wasn't as obsessed, and I really wished I could go back to that time, but frankly that's hard now. Years and years of constant starvation really wreaks havoc on the body's hunger cues, especially mental hunger. My body was once unable to process hunger and fullness.

I'm not here for a pity party about my health complications, that's not the reason I wanted to write this. I just wanted to share stories from my life with this eating disorder, and how it's affected almost everything I do. Really, all I wanted was to put all of my thoughts on paper. Maybe it'll convince people to turn back and get help before it grows into the real hell that it could become. I don't know, I've wanted to just be able to put all this stuff out on paper, I can't speak very well about it verbally, so maybe writing it out will be as good for me. This really just needs to be put out there so I don't keep it all holed up in my body.

Oh right, I forgot to mention that there will probably be a trigger warning for many parts, as it probably will go into detail, and some parts are not for the faint of heart or those easily triggered into patterns. I apologize beforehand if that does happen. Here is your warning, take heed, some of these things are graphic and very much disgusting. Don't let that scare you please, I swear not everything is that bad, sometimes reality just smacks you in the face and well, excuse my language, but, shit happens, literally. Please, enjoy these stories, maybe they'll change the face of how eating disorders are viewed in the public eye, I doubt it, I'm just one person of many, but I mean, still, maybe I'll change some lives here.

I wouldn't say the circus saved my life, but the circus saved my life.

Everything seemed to be in such a toxic space, until I found circus, and all of a sudden it was an art form where nothing mattered, except your own connection to your own self.

So to study and be a part of this beautiful art form, I find there's a release I needed in my entire life. I needed something to just mentally consume me more than the thoughts that I've had from a young child.

At 19 I ran away to study and become a contemporary circus artist - this is the journey.

-Zackary