Infestation

You're Practically Garbage

(yeah, that's me as a freshie)

 Freshman year, a year of pure change. I went in on day one dressing as female, and addressing myself as such. I was me, and a gymnast. My deadname was still used.

Until September. It all started with an instagram account. I presented as male on the account, and by the name of Zack, which is now legally my name. I found that presenting as male made me feel more at peace. I was male.

But that also made life worse in a way. I felt trapped now, trapped in my body.

The self harm began to grow worse as well, scars running down the arm, the legs. In a way it was to cut myself out of my skin, to break myself.

I felt the way my clothes fit, how I had a body shape that wasn't mine, and my voice, too high. Everything felt wrong, but coming out proved difficult.

It was slow. By October I got my first binder, which was momentous. I felt so much more at peace without my chest in the way. It was a beginning of transition, and the journey would be rough.

October 4th, 2014. The first concert that wasn't Warped Tour.

We Came as Romans

For Today

The Color Morale

Palisades

It was super early for a show, three in the afternoon, but it didn't matter. I was so excited. This was the night that I swore I'd tell Garret everything.

The opener was Palisades, and I wasn't expecting them to be so good, but they were quite decent. I was just more excited for the next band, and that's how it seems to go with shows.

The excitement I could feel from the fact that I was about to see The Color Morale seemed to rise in my throat. I couldn't honestly believe that I was there, about to see folks who, in the past few months, had changed my life.

The words to every song were memorized, and I sang them back as the band played; heart lining each one. It was something so momentous. I didn't end up in tears, and I spent a bit of time being awkward before letting myself get into the music and the crowd.

Post-show (after WCAR and FT) I went to meet Garret, hopefully to talk about everything, about the weird eating things, about the whole being trans thing, about everything.

This was when I realized I was not open, in fact I was terribly closed off, and no one truly knew what was going on, except for one single human.

I got to him, my heart beating terribly fast from nervousness, and my voice, almost completely closed. I couldn't get anything out. Nothing. I ended up being able to at least tell him I'm trans and that was it. He was the first person I formally came out to, all my friends figured it out, but I never told them at all.

He did give me a bunch of hugs and tell me some really sweet things; that I cannot remember anymore. I remember going home with such a wonderful sense of euphoria, but I told myself, the next time I see them, I'll tell him everything.

Next time would be a long time, but it comes.

November was a change, as the seasons changed, I realized that I change. I started to become more outspoken about my existence and as a trans person. I corrected pronouns, and began to find that other friends were the same. I surrounded myself with folks who were like me, I started to become integrated into the LGBTQ club at school, and I wanted to come out, at least to someone new. There were folks who, well, at this point I had become friends with, and even almost joined them in a band. (I was still terrible at guitar). I found friends who listened to the same stuff that I did, and they were so wonderful. I felt supported for the first time with the right pronouns, and the right name, and all that.