Infestation

Honeymoon Is Over, Honey

 July 14th, 2016.

It broke. I broke.

111.4. It had only taken so long, and now I was down, even if it was just a bit.

The show was that day as well; the one I had been rehearsing for in June. It seemed life was beginning to look up again.

So I pack up all my costume pieces, and eat the same 200 calories I did every morning; packed up the shittiest thing for lunch. (legit a cut up summer squash with mustard and some granola bar.) Somehow it was enough in my head.

The drive was super chill, and not awfully long. The show was in a YMCA. I'm not really sure about the morning, one of the folks who was also performing did know of my eating disorder and did help me challenge it. I found myself feeling almost stuck, and that I couldn't stray. I was hungry during the morning, and people had brought food. I found myself eating strawberries, and each one was supposed to be the last one, but I kept eating them, as well as my own food. I found myself in a panic about something as ridiculous as strawberries.

It'd essentially just be an extra 200 at most. It would be nothing, but it was ridiculous.

I wanted to save my food for later, so I could eat enough for the show I was going to.

This day was also an odd day for other reasons. This was the first time I willingly stepped on a scale in front of others. 111.8. Water n food weight fluctuations. I rarely stepped on a scale in front of folks, all from shame, but I was finally becoming far less ashamed of my body and my weight.

All it took was weight loss. I was miserable physically, but mentally I found I was pretty ok. (Probably a bit of a lie, but I was far less miserable than at 135).

So the show went ok, I found my legs just bit heavy, and then tear down was fine. I had to leave early.

Later I saw Knocked Loose, Oceano, and The Acacia Strain. I ate to about 1300 calories that day, I hated it, but I guess it was a fine amount, as I awoke the next day at 110.8.

110.4.

110.2.

Stalled.

My parents and sister were all going to Germany for two weeks on the 17th of July. It would leave me at home alone, and any other year would've been fine, but it was in such a critical point. I wasn't sure what would happen, but it was just me and my dog.

July 19th was the day I had spent all summer trying to lose weight for, and I was still 10 pounds off, because of that month of plateau. I found that a goal was just a way to keep going in somewhat of a hell.

Warped Tour 2016.

The Color Morale was playing, In Hearts Wake, Chelsea Grin, Veil of Maya, and so many others.

I had spent so much time waiting for this day, and now it was here. I even planned my entire day of food. I had planned 800 calories for the morning and nothing else; just praying I wouldn't pass out. I remember eating two bowls of oatmeal instead of one. It was essentially just a two-hour binge worth about 1000 calories instead of 700.

Crazy it seemed, to be so adventurous.

It was Warped Tour, and I burnt hella calories every year anyway.

So I started the drive, my first drive on an interstate. I had food, I had The Color Morale playing (Know Hope), and I had clothes that made me look thin, which meant I was wearing skinny jeans, ridiculously. My body heat was cold enough for it.