Hope (Knights of Av'lor - Book 1)

Chapter 33

After three hours of unimaginable pleasure, Lanclor lay next to her sleeping form in exhaustion. Midnight was an hour away and he knew he'd have to leave not only to keep his identity from her, but also to spare her the discomfort of thinking he had found out her identity.

His heart ached as he lifted himself from the bed and padded over to his pile of clothes upon the floor. A cycle ago, he would have just pulled them on and walked out the door. Tonight, he turned back to the bed and contemplated crawling back in until morning. It wasn't just tonight's events that hooked him; it was the agony of being with her almost every day for the last few months and not being able to touch her.

Just when he thought he knew Lady Kathryn, she did something he didn't expect. Seeing this other side of her made him desperate to return to the days when his curse wouldn't have made a difference. A time when he could have taken a wife without fearing society would reject her.

Lanclor turned away and pulled his pants from the pile. He carried the memories of a long-dead knight responsible for the death of hundreds. Shoving his legs into his pants, he cursed the Goddess under his breath. The world would never forget betrayal and he'd never subject Lady Kathryn to the derision he faced.

Grabbing his shirt, he pulled it on and buttoned it with steady hands. He'd just finish getting dressed and leave without looking back. She stirred in her sleep and he had to look her way. Her twitching fingers didn't alarm him as much as her facial expression.

Her brows furrowed in pain and a small sound of grief escaped her frowning mouth. She awoke not sobbing as he expected, but in silence with a look of loss and despair as the tears streamed from her eyes and rolled sideways down her face to fall upon her pillow.

Dismissing all thoughts of leaving, he crawled into bed behind her and wrapped his arm around her. The top of her wings tickled his chin and she hugged his arm to her chest.

"Sir Lanclor."

Lanclor stiffened.

"He died. Again. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. I keep seeing him die and there's nothing I can do." Her body started to shake with her sobbing and he held her to him.

He felt elation mix with his despair. She would mourn for him. That meant she felt something. Even if it wasn't love, she must feel something to feel that much loss at his departure. In a twisted way, her reaction to her persistent Sights of his death made things more bearable.

Lanclor held her in his arms until her sobs subsided, and then forced himself to get out of the bed and walk over to stand where she could see him. She looked up at him with red eyes and a frown.

"I have to go. It's almost midnight."

"Midnight? Oh, I forgot." She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry you had to see that. Thank you for staying as long as you did. I appreciate it."

"It was truly my pleasure to spend the day with you." Lanclor bent over and gave her one last kiss. He knew it was a mistake, but he didn't care. "The room is paid for, so you can just fly from the roof when you're ready. Good night, Kate."

"Good night, Matthis."

He left the room and closed the door behind him before he froze with his hand upon the doorknob. Cursing with the realization that he had used her real name, he walked the short distance to the stairwell and threw open the door. Taking the steps two at a time, he made his way to the roof, and then launched himself into the air. The kiss had distracted him to the point of sloppiness.

"So, Lanclor, any luck at the Ball? Guarenia wouldn't let me stay past the toast. I saw you dancing from a distance, but couldn't make out her face." Lord Alextor sat with his legs propped up on Lanclor's desk, crossed at the ankles.

"It's not really any of your business. And get your damn feet off my desk. I don't want you messing up my reports." Lanclor scowled at him and turned back to the window.

"Not any of my business?" Lanclor heard the leather squeak of the chair as Alextor rose and approached the window. "Lan, what's going on? You've been distracted all week and you've never been quiet about your Ball exploits, at least not with me."

"Just leave it alone, Lord Alextor." Lanclor didn't glance away from the window.

"Don't you 'Lord Alextor' me, Lan." Alextor grabbed his shoulder and swung him around. "Tell me what's going on." Alextor looked him in the eye, unwavering.

Lanclor glared at him, but knew Alextor was too stubborn to let it rest. He looked down at Alextor's hand upon his shoulder. His friend quickly removed it. Lanclor walked over to his desk and sat down, placing his elbows upon the desk and clenching his hands together. "Yes, I had some luck."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Do you know who she was?" Alextor gave him an irritated look.

"Yeah. Someone I should never have gotten involved with."

"She was that bad, huh? You'll regroup next time, find someone better."

Lanclor looked away, clenching his jaw. "Yeah." He felt Alextor's stare boring into the side of his head.

"By the Goddess."

"What?" Lanclor looked up with an innocent expression that didn't quite meet his eyes.

"You pursued someone you cared for."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Lanclor rose from his chair. "I have reports to do. We'll have to talk later."

"Bullshit. You write those reports for me, so if I don't care about them right now, you shouldn't either. Who was it, Lan?" Alextor leaned with both hands upon Lanclor's desk, glaring at him.

Lanclor gave the window a momentary glance, then returned Alextor's glare. "It's not any of your business." He cursed the despair in his voice.

Alextor straightened and walked over to the window. Lanclor cursed under his breath.

"Oh my. She is beautiful. It makes sense now." Alextor turned to face him with a grin.

"What are you talking about? What makes sense?" Lanclor snorted in disgust.

"You two are always bickering like a married couple. That little stunt with the Battle of Southker village. You tried to prove to yourself that she didn't matter to you and instead you proved how much she did matter to you. You were like a lonely puppy, or an irritated lonely puppy, while she recovered."

"This is ridiculous. I am nothing like a puppy. I think you can just—"

"You're in love with her."

Lanclor paused.

"Why don't you just tell her? By the Goddess, we both know life is short. Tell her how you feel, and then if she feels the same, you'll actually be happy for a change. You need to do something to get the stick out of your ass."

"Don't lecture me about sticks, Alextor." Lanclor got right up in Alextor's face. If not for Alextor's rank, Lanclor would have swung at him. "It's time for you to leave."

Alextor didn't back down. "No. It's time for you to cut yourself some slack. You didn't betray anyone. When will you accept that?" Alextor turned and left the room, leaving Lanclor glaring at the air.

He walked over to the window and watched Artemis carry Lady Kathryn around the practice ring. Lavender. Her hair smelled of lavender. Rose-petal soft skin covered the body of the strongest woman he'd ever met. Yet, in that final hour, her weakness showed him nobody was invulnerable.