How to Be Really, Really Rude

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Hey @Kelly1979! Just to let you know we can't make ur 40th on Sat. Bit of an epic Christmas & New Year. Soz! Sure it'll be fab #Kelly40!

Wow. An "I'm not-coming" RSVP via Twitter. Kelly settled further into her pillows, phone held in front of her. The message had to be a first, setting a new lower-than-ever standard for etiquette. It was the day before her party and the unwritten rule of politeness, according to Kelly Thompson, was that if you had to cancel at short notice you did it by phone.

A text, email or WhatsApp message was bad enough – but Twitter was public. Said friend had just revealed how (not) special she thought Kelly was and told far too many people at the same time.

Having a birthday on the 3rd of January had always put Kelly at a disadvantage. As a child, most people had chosen to give her joint birthday and Christmas presents, and Kelly always suspected that the combined value did not add up to the same amount as two separate gifts. The same rule applied to birthday parties. Her younger and older sisters both had birthdays in the summer. Their celebrations felt quite distinct from Christmas.

Children and teenagers were quite happy to party any time – it didn't matter to them that Christmas and New Year had only just taken place – though her mother often tried to move the party closer to New Year so she could see her friends at the same time. But at least in her youth, those Kelly invited always came to her parties.

Unlike now. She ought to be used to it. For the last 12 years or so, there had been a marked reluctance from friends and even family to throw themselves enthusiastically into any birthday celebrations precisely because of the proximity to the festive season. It hurt then, it still did.

It rankled all the more because she was single. If she had a partner, perhaps he would have booked her into a top hotel – the five-star Gleneagles Hotel in Perthshire, say – for a weekend, spa appointment, taster menu and the finest selection of wines all included. Then, she wouldn't give a flying fuck about organising a party or any kind of special celebration with friends to mark the passing years. 

Nope, she'd be too busy listening to the sommelier as he explained precisely why this white wine went so well with the amuse bouche she was about to eat, as her imaginary husband/partner toasted her, embarrassing her by telling the waiters they had to treat her very well, as the love of his life was 40 today.

Of course, in this little daydream, the waiters all protested vehemently. "Forty? No, no. That's can't be possible. Surely madam is celebrating her 30th birthday today?"

Sighing, Kelly rolled out of bed, stood up and stretched, raising her arms high above her head. As a freelancer, she mostly worked from home and that meant spending long hours in front of her PC. Some years ago, she'd invested in one of those Swiss ball chairs which was meant to help with posture – forcing you to sit up straight instead of slouching forward. It was effective, but it didn't make up for the hours she put in for her various clients and sitting for extended periods of time.

Outside, it was your typical January early evening in Glasgow. The rain had been falling steadily all day, and the sky hadn't brightened at any point from gun-metal grey. The daylight hours were few in early January, but this one had felt particularly short because it had been so overcast. She'd switched on the lights in her Merchant City flat at three o'clock. The blinds were all firmly pulled down now, and the place felt cosy.

Despite its city centre location, Kelly's flat was quiet, thanks to its location at the back of the block in Wilson Street and away from the main road. Her windows were triple glazed and the old building featured thick walls. The worst noise was often seagulls who could start up early in the mornings, though not at this time of year. She wasn't on the side nearest to the area's pubs either. The flat's relative peace and quiet was an advantage she hadn't fully appreciated until a few months into her move there. 

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