Lilac

Why

Some people are scared of clowns, or spiders, heights, or maybe even holes- Dan wasn't afraid of any of those. None of them made him shiver or even react in the slightest bit.

But right now, what he was feeling? Was pure fear and dread.

It was the most excruciating drive he's ever had.

As if driving with your vision blurry isn't bad enough, there were times on the road when the world would just disappear in front of him. Everything felt empty except his burning heart and lungs. The void of realization, doubt, and sadness swallowed up every other thing inside of him. He could drown in the oxygen he breathed, and the four doors around him felt like a trap that gulped him into another universe. His cheek was already chewed to the point of bleeding rawness, and only one thought could go through his mind as he tensely held the steering wheel.

He knows. He found them, and he knows.

Just the thought had wanted to make Dan cry. Now his brother knew what kind of person he was he was. How weak and terrible he was. How this sickness had taken over him, and he let it without even fighting. He failed at hiding it, at trying to not let him find out, trying to be as good as a shit brother he could be.

And he couldn't even do that.

God, what a fuck up. Dan thought, pounding his fist down on the steering wheel once he got to a stoplight and pretending it didn't hurt afterwards. Worst brother of the year goes to.

Strike two.

***

Dan's brother paces around in his room with Dan's razors in sight every time he turned around.

What was he going to say? What on Earth could have prepared him for this moment?

Everything he wanted to say to Dan sprinted laps in his head, causing a tornado of angry words and sadness.

In the end, tears just formed in his eyes, and he sat down next to his bed, knees to his chest and pulled up his sleeve to trace a horizontal line that was lighter than the rest of his skin, waiting for his brother to get home.

If Dan wasn't already crying, he was when he saw his brother's head buried in his knees with his arms hugging them

"Why?" Was all the younger boy could conjure up to say, misty eyed and refusing to look at his older brother.

Dan itched for an answer to give him, but he just stood there in the door frame, mouth open and ready for words to spew out, but they never did.

"What? Am I just not enough for you? How could you do this to yourself? How do you-" He gasped for air, he was trying to hold back tears, the lump in his throat got so painful, so big, that if he even started to say another word it would be engulfed by big, heavy sobs.

He finally got enough courage to look his brother in the eye and saw how red they were. He searched them so anything other than tears and sorrow, but found nothing.

He fought back tears, "How could you do this to yourself? To me? Shit, I probably love you more than you love yourself! Why did you do it Dan? Do you just not care? Do you just not fucking care? About me? Or mom or dad or yourself? I thought you were my brother- I thought you- you were- did you even try to get help? Or did you just think it was fine to slice yourself up? Why the ever loving fuck haven't you said anything? How-" He saw Dan look worried, as if they were about to get caught for something if he kept doing. "They're not here! Is that really what you're thinking about right now? I-" He struggled to find words. They all just vanished from his vocabulary.

All except why.

Why would he do this to himself? What could his cooler, handsomer, better at everything big brother, possibly take a razor to his skin and open it? How could he look at himself in the mirror and only see flaws? How could he stand doing it when his brother was in the same house- almost oblivious to what was going on? Did it even matter to him?

In the end, the younger sibling didn't even know why he was angry, or sad- or anything. He didn't know why, yet that was the only word on his mind.

He shook his head, slowly at first, just slightly enough to make it look like he wasn't, then he couldn't take it, he ran up to his older brother and threw his arms around him, tears staining his shirt.

A lot of things crashed onto Dan like a wave, or like a stack of papers being slammed on a desk. Confusion, sorrow, pain, anger, it all flooded his thoughts, and when his brother came and attacked him with a hug, he didn't know how to react.

His arms didn't enclose around his brother after a solid thirty seconds of hanging in the air like a scarecrow tied to a post.

Even when he did, it wasn't a regular hug, it was an awkward one, that looked and felt like he was touching china.

He still didn't know what was going on. He felt like he was in the eye of a hurricane and his life was swirling in front of him, and all he did was stand and watched, with no words or thoughts.

He was on PCP, where he wasn't connected to his body anymore, and reality had a dream filter on it.

It just didn't feel real, any of it.

"I'm sorry"

AN//

This really didn't turn out how I wanted it to, I had an entirely different image, but I just didn't know how to write it. Like I wanted the fight to be longer and more descriptive but whatever i'm tired and stressed.

Ugh.

Sorry about that though.

Hopefully the next chapter will be better.

Remember to remain positive, and don't take yourself too seriously. Appreciate the little things in life, celebrate the small things.

Drink water, eat regularly, and don't forget to reward yourself once in a while.

You're worth it, I promise.

-S