the ultimatum ↬ elliot alderson ✔

<abn0rm4l20.lnk>

I hold Dawn's hand, something I haven't done in weeks. We've been living together for a week now but I still cannot get used to it. I hope I will. 

"I want to talk to you about something," I say, barely above a whisper. 

"Sure." 

"These past months have been awful. You know that. But although my social anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be... I..."

"What?" she asks, meeting my gaze. She's worried. So am I. Because the next words are going to be difficult to explain. 

"I feel like he's taking over me," I whisper. I didn't realise I was holding my breath. Shit. Her face falls before biting her lip. 

"Are you taking your meds?" 

"No," I reply. I haven't taken Krista's pills in nine months. 

"Elliot. You have to. At least, do it for me." 

I gaze at her for a few seconds, realising that if I collapse now it'll be in front of her. I can't let her see that.

"Okay," I say, nodding slowly. Fuck. "I don't deserve her."

Shit. Did I just say that out loud?

Dawn looks at me, puzzled. "What?" she asks. Shit. I even said it in third person. 

"You deserve to be with someone normal. Not me," I say, my voice cracking. The realisation that I'm abnormal hits me. I don't know why, but it does. 

"El, I am not normal," she whispers, but I don't believe her. She should be with someone who doesn't have breakdowns or has psychosis and amnesia. She cups my cheeks, our eyes locking. "I'm a hacker. My father abused me. I'm jobless. I have no family, not even distant relatives. I try filling in the void of incompleteness by hacking people. I do it because it makes me feel like I'm not alone; in the dark." 

She's opened up to me. I don't remember hearing all of that before. But one thing's for sure. I now know her from the inside. 

I remember Dawn's father. I remember the countless amounts of times she'd run to my house in the middle of the night with bruises all over her. I remember how I held onto her as she sobbed for hours. She was ten. It was two years after my father died. 

I press my lips against hers gently. "I remember you," I whisper. Dawn smiles, her hands to my cheeks. "I remember," I repeat for reassurance. A tear rolls down her cheek, her lips inches away from mine. 

"Your father should have never done what he did," she whispers. I know she's talking about the time he pushed me out of my bedroom window at the age of eight. 

The vision of the day my father died returns to my mind. It always comes back. I blame myself for it, even if I wasn't the reason he died. But I always will. That's just how I work. 

"Don't cry, El. Shh, it's okay..." Dawn whispers, my head to her chest. I didn't realise I was crying.

"I'm sorry..." I say in between sobs. I hold onto her until the memory fades again. 

"Don't ever say I'm normal, okay? We are both the same," she whispers as her hands run through my hair.

***

I've spent the past few days at Dawn's, my own guilt tearing me apart. I know I have to make a decision about Tyrell's future. I can't just let him be erased. They will find him eventually. They will find me eventually. I can't run from the truth. I can't change my fate. 

Tyrell is broken. I saw it in his eyes in Coney Island just a few days ago. He's desperate for my help; so why am I not giving it to him? 

Maybe because I know I won't hack the FBI for him. It's dangerous. My cover would be blown for sure. I wouldn't have time to create a secure file that'll guarantee protection. When we hacked Evil Corp, Darlene's malware was designed so that it would be impossible to trace down the creator. No, not impossible. But it could take decades for people to find it.