the ultimatum ↬ elliot alderson ✔

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I'm going insane again. My delusions are back, meaning I've gone back to one year ago. I'm going back to seeing Krista again. Maybe she can help me. Shit. I'm slipping back into old patterns. After so many months of doing this on my own, I've gone back to asking for help.

Going back to Krista is a slippery slope, because it means I've caved in. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. My dam of guilt is cracking, because I know I can't trust myself anymore. 

I killed Tyrell Wellick and made myself believe I wasn't the one who killed him. The fact I created those algorithms and puzzles Tyrell sent me proves the escalation of my insanity. I can't trust myself. I bet you knew all along too. 

Shit. I made Joanna believe Tyrell was alive. I tried to convince myself he was alive so I wouldn't succumb into my own guilt. But now the guilt is cracking me wide open. I don't remember making any of those algorithms, but I know I did. 

It was me. I did it so I'd believe he's alive. We block things from our memory as a form of survival. Knowing I killed Tyrell will kill me, even if I had a reason to do it. 

Tyrell was the Anonymous hacker that stole money. He wanted to frame me because he found a loophole. He killed Gideon, one of the people I trusted, because he found out he was the anonymous hacker. Murdering Gideon erased his history; his ability to defend himself.

Dawn is worried about me. But not just Dawn. Everyone. They've noticed me blanking out since the hack. I haven't told them why I'm crumbling. I never will. I don't trust myself enough to tell them. 

"Elliot?" Dawn asks, breaking me out of my catatonic state. Shit. I've blanked out again. She sits next to me on the couch. That's when I hear water running. It must be Angela.

"Are you okay?" Dawn asks. That's when I realise I've been staring at her. 

"Sorry," I say, looking away. She probably thinks I was staring at her on purpose. In reality, it's because my mind shut down. 

"Do you wanna talk about it now that she's not here?" Dawn asks, brushing her finger against my cheek. I flinch, but I ignore the impulse by resting my hand on her thigh. Maybe she can help me. She knows me. She's just like me. So why can't I seem to be be able to tell her about Tyrell? 

"I'm okay," I lie, because that's the last thing I will be. Dawn sighs. She knows I'm lying to keep her quiet. 

"You don't have to lie. You can trust me; I'll help you whatever it is." 

"I'm scared they'll come after us," I say, not really lying now. The truth is, I know this will catch up to us. And next time, Whiterose won't be the one letting me out of prison. 

"There's nothing to worry about. We've cleared the warehouse."

"What if that wasn't enough?" I croak. Dawn meets my gaze, exhaling. 

"Darlene's rootkit is encrypted from start to end. You know this better than I do," Dawn answers, scooting closer to me. She rests her head on my shoulder as she wraps her arms around me. I've missed physical contact. I guess I shut everyone out for weeks. 

"I'm responsible for every failure," I suddenly blurt out. Dawn stiffens, getting out of the embrace to look at me in the eye. She's worried. 

"What do you mean?" she asks. 

"Gideon died because of me. Cisco died because of me. Romero died because of me," I cry, tears rolling down my cheeks. Dawn holds me, running her hands on my back as I sob in her hair. Shit. How the fuck did I crumble so easily? 

"Gideon was killed by some fanatic at a bar. Cisco was killed by the Dark Army because he was leaning towards our side. If anyone is to blame for Cisco's death, it's him. Romero died from a stray bullet, El," she says, but even if I know this is the truth, I don't want to believe it is.