Behind the mask

Witness

Silence fell over the group as Hiccup walked slowly forward to stare at the wreckage of his father's plane. Time and the harsh Berkian winters hadn't been kind to the remains, half the body of the plane and a wing completely missing and the rest crumpled and smashed. The exposed metal was corroding and the remains were overgrown with a creeper, grass and moss. He silently reached the cockpit and rested a hand against the warm metal, feeling the still smooth surface under his hand.

"I-I'm sorry, Dad," he said quietly. "I'm not the son you would have wanted me to be, not the protector you expected me to become. I-I guess I'm just...just..." He shook his head and a tear slid down his cheek. Astrid sighed: she had only seen him cry once before, when his mother died and she knew what he wanted to say. She gently made her way to his side and took his hand in hers.

"I'm here," she reassured him. "You don't have to do this alone." He nodded.

"I'm just a disappointment, Dad," he sighed. "I tried...but I wasn't strong enough to stop Alvin. I wasn't brave enough to stay, to cope with it. I just had to keep pushing him back, to try to let him know I wasn't broken...but he broke Mum from me...and then, when I was thrown out, I wasn't there to stop him." He lifted his head and stared up at the sky. "He got her to stop her meds and...and try for a baby...and that killed her. But I should've been there to stop it...." He closed his eyes. "I failed."

"Hiccup...no..." Astrid said, her grip tightening on his hand. No matter what she said, he persisted in beating himself up over Valka's death. She pulled him to face her. "No one could've done more! You endured absolute Hel  to try to stay at home, to stay with your Mom. You were starved, beaten, neglected, bullied at home and school. You had almost no clothes, no real possessions and Toothless was your only friend. How you managed to stay strong amazed me...and I thank Odin that you called me that night because if you hadn't, you wouldn't have made it. You would have frozen to death on the streets..." He dropped his head, his eyes still closed and leaned back against the mangled fuselage. "My love, you were sick, freezing and alone. In the end, she sent you away...and you admitted you were willing to go back to Alvin, to endure whatever torments he put you through just to be with your Mom...but you were rejected over and over...until it was too late."

He nodded silently. She pressed her hands to his cheeks.

"Look at me," she commanded him and he reluctantly lifted his ashamed emerald gaze. "Hiccup-you did everything humanly possible to save her. Alvin was too evil for you to stop...it almost cost you your life and it did screw up years of your life and put you in danger. His actions set Dagur after you..." Hiccup gave a reluctant nod.

"But I could have turned him in for child abuse earlier," he said in a shamed voice. "It would have stopped him...maybe jailed him..."

"And you told me that your Mom almost certainly would have sided with him, called you a liar and disowned you anyway..." Astrid reminded him. "She became so dependent on him that she was blind to everything that happened to you. She sent you away. She turned away when he beat you up. She told my Mom it was a wrong number when she phoned when you were in surgery! It wouldn't have stopped her going back to him. You did all you could..."

He nodded again and his expression broke her heart. She kissed him tenderly and he kissed her back, though she could still taste the salt of his tears on his lips.  Finally she pulled back and stared into his eyes, seeing how heartbroken he was.

"In the end, she wanted you, not him. She spent her last moments with the son she loved...because you were the one person she did truly love. She died holding your hand, not his. And you're here to make sure she rests with her real husband. You're a fine man, Hiccup-the man I am proud to love. The person who is to blame is Alvin. Just remember your Mom and Dad as they were. And remember you still have me."