Even though I'm on my own, I know I'm not alone..

Three

I wake up shakingly, barely strong enough to keep my own weight up. I toss on my school uniform. I wear my skinny jeans and my hoodie over my shirt and tie I know I'll get told to take it off so I wear a plain black jumper under the hoodie. I finish getting ready and head down stairs. I decline breakfast and just say I'm in a hurry. I shove in my earphones and play my play list of depressing songs.

🎶 "..give me therapy I'm a walking travesty but I'm smiling at everything....." 🎶

I walk in to the school grounds all of my "friends" are at The rocks next to the gate I try to walk past them all thinking it's so easy but I get crowded

"Alex!"
                "Omg! Hai Alex where have you been!?!"
    "YO! You need to listen to this song"

"Hey, I missed you"

It's nice knowing that I have friends and that I am noticed. But they don't know me.. they know my name, a few facts.. but they don't know the real me they don't see the pain I feel they don't understand what I go through they don't know what happens to me behind closed doors..

I head to class but two of my I guess closest friends catch up to me. Emily and Samantha. Emily is my best friend.. well at school. And most people wouldn't expect that as we fall out alot. But I feel like she understands me. It's like my eyes are windows she can see right through me. She doesn't know everything but she knows more that anyone. My real best friend is Keith.  ..he understands me the best but even then.. I feel he still doesn't know me...

Samantha always is the caring one. She asks me how I am but I just say am fine. We both know I lie when I say that but she doesn't want to force it out of me..

We go to out class which is English. I HATE English! Don't get me wrong it's not hard and the class it's self I'm good at I just hate the teacher. Her names miss Jackson. She's a cranky old bitch who dresses like a child. By that I mean she literally has one strap shoes. Yes you know they shoes every girl wears in primary school "school shoes" with the bow yeah them. She actually wears those! But that's beside the point.

"All non - school uniform off please!"

I hesitate and pray she thinks I'm invisible, as we know that didn't happen...

"Alex get your hoodie off now!!"

I shake as I take off my hoodie and awkwardly hide my arms under the table hoping no one saw.

My anxiety began to raise. The noise got louder, time got slower, my breathes were thiner and thoughts gradually got deeper. The walls were closing in trapping me in a box I couldn't escape.

Shaking turned into rocking,
Struggling for air turned into hyperventilating, thoughts turned to worry.  What if someone saw?
Aghhh I'm getting judged?!
They are gonna ask questions...

"Alex? Alex are you okay?! Alex? Al..."

The volume disappeared, my vision went blurry. I could not breathe. I just ran out the classroom and stood out into the hall. I slid slowly down to the floor and cried. The anxiety was trying to calm. I was feeling better but stayed in the corridor gripping on to my hair.

Why do I do this to myself?!

Why won't my pain end!