Love across the 4th Wall ~ A Mystic Messenger Story

Yoosung ~

(WARNING: SPOILERS FOR YOOSUNG'S ROUTE/AFTER END AHEAD)

No. That wasn't her. That couldn't be her, my sunlight, my favourite Honey Buddha Chip. That girl that was all lovey-dovey with that child of a college student now.

Don't get me wrong, Yoosung is super nice most of the time and I value his friendship but I couldn't help but start hating him lately.

I didn't let it get to me of course. I simply watched the two of them getting closer as the days went on. Whenever I appeared in the chatroom with the two of them I made sure to act as if I fully supported their relationship while I actually had the urge to hit Yoosung's face every time he compared this dream of a girl that he could now call his own to Rika.

I couldn't comprehend how he could do something like that. If he would truly love her he would recognize that she is nothing like Rika, at least that's what I kept telling myself.

But deep inside I realized that it was just Yoosung's grief over her death that made him act this way. And I also knew that she would eventually help him overcome it and realize what a unique beautiful person she was. They would live happily ever after and she would have a boy, no, man by her side that would always be there for her and who'd make sure no harm ever comes to her. I knew that he was actually a way better choice than I was. Yoosung was loving, caring and mentally stable with a decent past. But most important, he was safe.

Something that I, Luciel Choi, could not say about myself.

But even though I told myself all these things the feeling acing in my chest every time I saw him and her together, chatting, flirting, laughing was constantly killing me inside. I wished to be in Yoosung's place so badly that I felt as if I would explode sometimes.

I tried to bury myself in work, not sleeping for days and blankly staring at my computer displays for more than 48 hours or longer straight. I barely ate either. I couldn't eat because my beloved chips reminded me of her and I could never get myself to leave my bunker and get something else these days.

I barely appeared in the chats, I didn't want to see the latest couple being all lovey-dovey but sometimes I had to because I had new information about recent issues like the hacker, that lead her to Rika's apartment.

If I participated in the chatroom and came across her she didn't particularly acted mean or pushed me away, she tended to ignore me most of the time. I tried to tell myself it could be worse but I was hardly able to imagine that.

Every time she told Yoosung how much she cared about him I saw her pretty face, lighting up with joy, smiling at me. Only to realize a few seconds later that she'd actually smiled for Yoosung who was standing behind me. She would throw herself into his arms then and I would stand there watching until I had tortured myself enough and decided to wake up from the daydream. Or should I say, day-nightmare?

As the days went on I seemed to be growing more and more numb against that acing pain in my heart. It still hurt of course, but I was able to endure it now. Could it be that I got used to it? The hatred I developed for Yoosung had vanished too. All I felt was just a big numbness in my chest. A void that could never be filled no matter what I tried.

I hadn't counted the days that passed but it was definitely more than a week that had passed since she joined the RFA when I suddenly had a breakthrough with my work.

I had been able to locate the hideout of the hacker. When I entered the chatroom to tell the others Yoosung and his new girlfriend were alone.

They both reacted differently. She actually congratulated me on finding such an important trace while Yoosung was worried. I had already decided on going there by myself before I even told anyone about my discovery. I would do it for her. And I couldn't care less if I would lose my life. If I would die, I would die while trying to protect her. Then at least I would have done something right in my life.

But to our both astonishment Yoosung insisted on coming along. Both me and her tried to convince him to stay. She did it because she worried something might happen to him. I did it because I didn't want him to come along. This was my mission, my way to show her how much I loved her. I would be the one to sacrifice myself for her and I wouldn't let anyone interfere!

But when he kept insisting that he wanted to come with me it suddenly hit me that I couldn't deny this to him. I suddenly realized that he truly loved her and wanted to protect her just as desperately as I wanted to.

As I sent my car over to his place and exit the chatroom I let my head sink on the keyboard and cried. The tears wouldn't stop running because of that realization – I had truly lost her to Yoosung forever.

This wasn't just a temporary crush that would pass eventually as I had tried to tell myself until now. This was true love. He would be the one to sacrifice himself for her and I didn't have the right to interfere. This was Yoosung's battle now and me and my feelings were irrelevant.

This was the moment I forced myself to let her officially go. I wanted her to be happy more than anything in this world and if Yoosung made her happy then so be it. I didn't have the right to stand in their way or even think or feel about her that way. I never had the right to do that.

I did never even have the right to fall in love with her in the first place. Even thinking about her returning my feelings was wrong. After all, I did not deserve any love, especially from someone so pure and perfect like her. Not after what I had done and been through.

I promised myself that I would protect Yoosung for her. I would make sure he came home to her so that their happiness could continue on.

He did a good job on saving her. But I failed to keep my promise as always. For god's sake, I couldn't even protect Yoosung properly, how could I have ever claimed the right to protect her? He got injured in the process, at least it wasn't that bad. He would still be able to be with her.

Dear god it even made the whole thing even more romantic. I didn't really want to attend the party and see the two of them finally meeting in person but I had to, of course. I tried my best to act cheerful what I failed at too. Well, at least I managed to make everyone think it was only because of Yoosung's injury.

When I listened to his speech about his everlasting love and how he declared it to her in front of everyone I realized once again how little I deserved her.

I couldn't look at him because I was so ashamed of myself having caused him to almost lose an eye. When the two of them kissed I felt the sharp pain returning as if it had always been there.

I closed my eyes, telling myself this was all just a bad dream and I would wake up in my bed any second realizing that all that never happened.

But it wasn't a dream.

I had to watch from afar how Yoosung and her got married about half a year after the first party she managed. He did his very best in university and managed to graduate well and become a vet like he always wanted.

I didn't really stay in touch with them since it still hurt, even after two years had passed. I once again tried to focus on my work and probably did a lot good and useful stuff but I didn't really care. Not about work, not about my health that I'd been neglecting since I usually spent days in front of the computer without eating or sleeping in order to not having to imagine what they'd be doing by now, not about anything.

I had given up a long time ago that anything would change. But apparently I had forgot something important.

Yoosung was still just a route. And she was the player. And once the player is finished with a route, they    r e s e t  .   Don't they?