It's Always Been You

Chapter 13

**Chanel's POV**

It's a blur, it's all a surreal blur. I don't remember getting to the hospital but somehow I'm here. The doctors stitched up my scalp where it was lacerated and told me I have a concussion. My only thoughts are on that girl. That innocent little girl. That girl I murdered.

I murdered a child.

How could this have happened?

My mind keeps racing as I sit on the exam table. I tuck my knees to my chest and try to breathe. My body rocks back and forth as I stare blankly at the doctor. I'm still in my CFD t-shirt and jean shorts.

"Chanel?" The doctors voice rings in my ears.

Somehow her voice draws me back to reality. I look at her. She's dressed in maroon scrubs. Her dark hair is pulled back into a long pony tail and she smiles softly at me. "You're all done. The police are here to talk to you."

My stomach drops but I don't change my position. I simply nod at the physician who in turn walks out and a couple of officers walk in.

"Hi, Chanel." Antonio Dawson's voice sends a wave of panic followed by a wave of relief through my body.

I look up from the ground and into his eyes. "I killed her." Is all that escapes my lips. The first words I can mentally process are those three.

"This is not your fault." Antonio whispers as he puts his hands on my shoulders and gives me a small squeeze. "I came down here personally to tell you that they found heroine in the guy's system. They found the needle in the car. The girl's father over dosed while he was driving, ran the stop sign and hit into you."

"What?" I ask, unable to fully comprehend.

"This is not your fault, Chanel." Antonio repeats, hoping that I'll smile or something.

But that still doesn't change the fact that a little girl is dead.

"My car hit their car and a little girl is dead because of it." I growl in anger.

Antonio straights up and lets go of my shoulders.

"How old was she?" I ask.

"What are you talking about?" Antonio asks with confusion.

"The little girl who died in the accident. How old was she?" I repeat.

Antonio sighs. "She was 9."

I go completely numb. I thought that I was numb before this, but learning that the girl I killed is the same age as my son makes me weak. I put my face in my hands and let it all out. All of the emotion that I feel; the sadness, the anger, the mixes that can't be described.

"Chanel," Antonio whispers softly. "You're not going to jail because of this. Nothing is going to happen to you." He assures me. "Her dad is going to prison for awhile for everything that has happened today."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I lash out, my voice raising. "Because it doesn't! It fucking doesn't! I killed a 9 year old girl today!" I shout. "If I would've seen them this wouldn't have happened!"

"It was  your responsibility to see them." He says in a calm voice. "This is not your fault."

I bury my face back into my hands. No matter what. No matter whose fault it is, I feel like it's mine. If I would've looked side to side going down that road I would've seen them. Sure, I had the right of way and technically by law I didn't have to. But personally, I feel as though this could've been avoided.

"Hey." A new voice fills my ears softly, making me look up. It's Kelly standing in front of me now. "How're you feeling?" He asks as he sits down on the table beside me.

I swallow hard. "Like I just killed a little girl." I sigh and put my face back in my hands.

He doesn't say anything. He simply puts his arm around me and holds on while I cry into my hands. My world is crashing down around me and he's trying to hold me up, but eventually I feel like I'm going to slip through the cracks and get what I deserve.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Kelly's POV**

-2 days later-

"Kelly, son," Chanel's Dad says frantically through the phone. "You have to get over here. I'm too weak to kick the door in, but Chanel won't open the door. She hasn't for days. I need you to talk to her."

"I'll be over in ten minutes." I promise then hang up the phone. As soon as the phone is in my pocket, I walk out of my office and into Chief Boden's. "Chief, I need you to find someone to cover me for awhile."

"Why?" Chief asks, peering up at me from his desk.

I sigh deeply. "It's Chanel. Dave just called and she won't open the door to her room. He wants me to come over and get the door open to make sure she's okay."

"Oh." Chief nods at the information. "Yeah, of course. Let me know if you or Dave or Chanel need anything from me."

"Thanks, Chief." I turn and practically sprint out of the office.

"Hey!" Shay calls from behind me as she chases me down to the apparatus floor. "Where are you going in such a hurry."

"Chanel's." I sigh. "She locked herself in her room and Dave is worried."

"Oh." Shay sighs as well. "Alright, let me know how it goes. Okay? Call if you need anything." She gives me a quick hug before I turn and sprint off to my car.

I speed to Chanel's house. I haven't seen her since she closed the door two days ago. The doctors told us to give her some space but something else has to be going on if he dad just called me to kick in the door.

As soon as I put the car in park outside of their house, I tear the keys out of the ignition and run into the house.

"Hey." I say to David who's sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands.

He peers up from his hands. Tears are streamed down his cheeks to his jaw line. "I don't know what to do for her, Kelly." He cries. "I've tried to talk to her, but she won't come out of that damn room. Her kids are scared and I am too. What are we going to do for her? She hasn't spoken or eaten in days."

"I'll talk to her." I finally say, placing a hand on Dave's shoulder. "I'll fix this."

"I don't know if you can." He sighs as he rubs the tears off his face.

"I can and I will." I assure him then turn and make my way up the steps.

I find her bedroom door. "Chanel!" I call through it as I softly tap my knuckles on the door. "It's Kelly, will you please let me in?"

She doesn't reply so I step back and give the door a swift kick. It swings open and Chanel is laying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling.

I rush to her and lean over her. She's laying there, eyes wide open. Just simply staring at the space above her.

"Please snap out of this." I beg her as I sit down on the bed. I put my hand under her head and pull her up into my arms. "Your kids need you."

She doesn't respond. She closes her eyes and swallows hard, holding back any emotion.

"Chanel." I whisper softly, feeling a lump form in my throat. "You can't punish yourself forever. At least get up and go see your kids. They miss you."

"I'm not the same." She croaks, her voice sounding hoarse and raspy. "I'm a murderer."

"You are not." I say to her, pausing in between each word. "That girls dad decided to shoot up while driving her. It's not your fault at all."

She pressed her lips together. "Just lay here with me for a little."

It's the most she has spoken in days, so I get up quickly and shut her bedroom door. As soon as it's shut I turn to her and climb in the bed. I know I'm supposed to be back to the fire house as soon as possible, but this is something I need to do. So I hold her in my arms and watch her as she gently drifts off to sleep.

Hopefully this is the start to her coming back to us.