I have had a relatively drama-free life. I've had a few awkward and embarrassing things happen to me, sure I have.
Here are the Three Most Embarrassing Moments of My Life:
1. When I was a kid, I walked in on my parents having sex. And the tragedy isn't that I remember it. The tragedy is that my parents couldn't stick to missionary. To this day, I don't know what that position is called, neither do I know how my mother could bend like that, but hey, whatever, good for them. I honestly am happier not knowing. Oh, and did I also mention that instead of walking out, I stayed? They stopped, but I stood there and was all, "Dad, I want to watch TV."
2. Pissing in a swimming pool. You know, the type of pool that the water then turns a horrible purple colour, the trail of it leading straight to me. This happened during a school trip to the water theme park. No wonder I had no friends.
3. Listening to Brendon Urie describe me as a wanking sex monster to Patrick Stump.
I keep my eyes on the pictures of former Sigma presidents on the walls of Patrick's office as Brendon and I are in a meeting. Whenever two Sigmas aren't getting along, they are sent to Patrick's office to resolve things. On this fine Saturday morning, it's me and Brendon.
"I find it hard to believe you would have a problem with someone's sexuality," Patrick notes from where he sits behind his desk.
"God, it's not that!" Brendon sighs. "It's not even the constant jerking-off -"
"Not constant," I mutter.
"Look, hey, whatever," Brendon says and lifts his hands. "You have a beautiful penis, Ryan. By all means, stroke the snake daily for all I care. I just... just..." Brendon tries and heaves a sigh.
I look at Brendon from the corner of my eye, feeling utterly humiliated. By this stage, the whole Sigma house knows Brendon and I are on bad terms, rumours are flying around of a big fight during which we exchanged blows and threw things at each other. We didn't.
The more time goes by, the more I am thinking I might just be paranoid, but I swear Brendon was going to kiss me before Gabe and Patrick stormed in. He was going to kiss me. Or is it just wishful thinking?
"Patrick, bro," Brendon sighs, "just let us switch rooms, alright?"
Patrick leans his elbows against the wooden surface of his desk. He lets his eyes wash over the two of us sitting here.
"Is that what you want, Ryan?" he asks me.
Brendon turns his brown eyes to me, and I can't help but stutter. "I- I, um. I don't know."
"Yes, you do," Brendon says. "I'm atrocious, you hate me! Go on, tell Patrick!"
"I don't hate you," I correct Brendon, looking over to him. "I don't hate you," I repeat a bit shyly and end up chewing on my bottom lip as I play with the sleeves of my Sigma hoodie.
"Brendon, the brotherhood seeks to achieve a harmonious coexistence between us all. I don't believe letting the two of you change rooms is the proper way to handle this situation. The two of you need to work harder to get to know one another," he says. "Now, as you know, Gabe specialises in clinical psychology. I am sure he would be more than willing to arrange a couple's therapy session for you guys."
"Couple's therapy?" I ask in horror.
"Well, he is writing a thesis on marriage counselling," Patrick says with an understanding smile.
"We're not a couple," Brendon snaps.
Patrick gives Brendon a pointed look. "Brendon, I am sure you recall the conversation I had with you at the start of this semester. You really have no choice here."
