It's a small thing. It's not much of anything, really, but I guess life is consisted of a long list of small things. Like Brendon's lips. His eyes. The wrinkles around his eyes when he smiles really wide... those types of things. But the next morning, at breakfast, he sits across from me. He has no choice because it's busy.
Sisky sits next to him, talking loudly with Chiz and Tom. Brendon keeps eating his cereal, expression blank and fixed on the table. I watch him, trying not to be too obvious about it. I haven't so much as brushed against him in days. I think I'm forgetting what his skin feels like. It makes the air in the room thick and poisonous but still filled with longing.
"I've never been there," Sisky enthuses about something.
"No?" Tom asks. "I go bowling there all the time. You gotta come with! We'll go when we all get back!"
Sisky rubs his hands. "Deal! But be warned, I rock at bowling."
"I'm in!" Chiz says with a grin.
Sisky turns to Brendon and asks, "You wanna go bowling with us some time?"
I think of William, Spencer and me stalking Brendon at the bowling alley. I think of him coming home the following day, of us curling up in my bed, of me waking up next to him for the first time. And Brendon's eye catches mine. We look at each other, and for a second, he smiles. My heart gets stuck in my throat. We have good memories, memories that still make him smile.
But then both of our smiles fade. I remember Derek and the thousand mental images that torture me night and day, the feelings of betrayal and hurt that still linger. And Brendon remembers my lies.
But, a couple hours later, when the sickening feeling has subsided for the time being, overruled by my need to be near Brendon, I think of him smiling at me for that split-second. It's not much, but it's something.
I'm no good at standing in shadows. I am not like Jon. I can't want the best for Brendon. I want me for Brendon.
"You thinking about Brendon?" Spencer asks tentatively.
"Yeah," I whisper and keep up the staring competition with the ceiling above my bed. The bed dips slightly as Spencer sits on the edge, smiling down at me.
"What about him?"
"Everything," I smile sadly. "All the little things. Like... when he falls asleep, he twitches a little. Just when he is on the border of consciousness and sleep, you know? He does this... little twitch before he snuggles closer to the covers and falls asleep properly. This small, little..."
"Are you sure you'll manage?" Spencer asks worriedly.
"Yeah," I reply in monotone. We've already had this conversation. Spencer feels like shit for going to Las Vegas with Jon tomorrow. Brendon is leaving the day after tomorrow. Spencer already said he doesn't want to go and leave me alone in an empty frat house, but I told him I'd manage. "He smiled at me today," I say wistfully.
"Yeah?" Spencer asks, trying to sound encouraging as he brushes hair from my forehead.
"Yeah. Over breakfast. Just for a split-second, but... he smiled at me." I close my eyes and sigh. "I don't... I don't think I can just let him move on with his life or want him to be happy. I mean, I can when I have no choice but... it'd kill me. It's gonna kill me."
I open my eyes, and Spencer looks thoughtful. "Maybe you need to talk to him again."
"And say what? What more could I say?"
Spencer shrugs. "Tell him that you're never going to give up hope and that you're always gonna wait for him. I mean, maybe if he knows he is never going to get rid of you, he'll give in!"
