Spencer is somewhere with Jon. Sisky says Spencer spends most nights in Jon's room now anyway. I don't know whether or not I even want to talk to Spencer. Spencer knew about Brendon's affair, and he never told me either. Everyone knew except for me. I feel stupid. I feel so fucking stupid. I might end up fighting with Spencer too, but it's not his fault.
It's all Brendon's fault.
Sisky lets me use Spencer's bed for the night. He doesn't ask what's wrong, though I am a mess. Sisky gets us beer, and this is the man who ratted out me and Brendon to Patrick in the first place, but right now, he feels like my best friend.
The only thing I can think of is Brendon, my Brendon, getting on his knees for "Stan." Doing that for a grade, the same thing he does to me. Intimacy is meaningless; intimacy with Brendon means nothing if he is a whore. What was he thinking about when he was sucking his professor off? He said he was disgusted, but I bet he wasn't. I bet it turned him on.
It makes me feel nauseous.
"I mean, I've loved cars since I was a kid," Sisky tells me. He is sitting on his bed, and I am sitting on Spencer's across the room. We're drinking and bonding. My heart is breaking, and I need something, anything to distract me. "My dad's got four cars, so I suppose I get it from him. I want to design them. That's why I'm doing mechanical engineering. My life long dream, bro, and Sigma Chi Beta just makes the whole thing so much better."
"Life long dream?" I repeat feebly and take a sip of the beer.
Sisky shrugs. "I know it sounds silly, I mean, most kids start university and aren't entirely sure what they want to do, they only have a vague idea. I know exactly what I want to do, I always have."
I chuckle. "No, I... I know what you mean. I, um, I want to do a post-grad degree in Harvard."
"Sweet," Sisky says. "I'm only focusing on getting this degree done first, you know?"
Yeah. I better focus on getting this degree first.
* * *
When I go to my English class the next day, I already have four missed calls from Pete. I haven't called him back yet. I don't know if Gabe told him or not. Most likely Gabe did, and for what? Has Brendon been worth any of this?
We get our midterms back. Professor Keene calls out student numbers, and when I go to get mine my world stops. I freeze and stare at the D decorating the first page.
"Ryan, stay behind after class. I'd like to have a word with you," Keene tells me, and I give her a nod.
William flashes me a smile when he gets an A. Of course he does. I got a D.
I have never gotten a D in my life.
When the seminar room empties of the other students, Keene leans against the desk and flips through my essay with a frown on her face. I stand in front of her, disbelief and shock on my features. I am so fucking angry with myself.
"Ryan," she sighs eventually and looks up at me. "To be quite frank, this is not the quality I am used to getting from you. Is everything alright in your private life?"
"I..." I begin feebly. When I wrote that essay, I was only thinking about Brendon and our New York getaway. I hadn't studied, and I hardly even cared. What's happened to me? A D? A fucking D?
"If you are having personal problems, you can contact any member of staff in full confidence. I have heard it all, I assure you, from family crises to serious illnesses. You're one of the most talented students I have ever had the pleasure of teaching, but... this?" she asks in confusion.
